Love is a choice, not a feeling
08.04.2017 by HoleInTheHeartMany years ago, long before I knew anything about Alexithymia (or even heard of it) I had described love as being a choice and not a feeling. I choose to love my family and my friends. I choose to love the one I am sleeping with on a regular basis, but, when any of those people are out of sight, they are out of mind and I think about what is happening around me at that moment.
I have the ability to fake feelings for the most part, I love giving hugs and holding people to make them feel better, but, when they think that I need a hug to feel better, there are no feelings there that need repairs. It took me several years before I could cry for my grandmother (dad's mom) who passed away. I couldn't cry at my grandparents funeral for my mom's mom or dad. I faked crying at my grandfather's funeral (dad's dad) because everyone else was - I cried for them, not for me. I loved my dad's dad as much as I loved my dad's mom. When I go visit them at the grave, I might be able to cry, but, unsure right now if that will happen.
I am not sure how many others here have also made the choice to love as a logical-choice vs an emotional-choice. Anyone else wanna chime in?
Umm
09.04.2017 by tiger91
I believe love has both sides - the rational commitment and the emotional feelings. So I follow you as far as that, yes. I have a couple close friends who I care very much about but I rarely feel things for longer than a couple seconds. When I'm around them, I can feel more often, but it's still just a couple seconds at a time. (I still find these feelings important.) However my rational commitment to doing everything I can for them - helping maintain the friendship, trying to pay attention to their feelings, helping when they have problems, etc - is strong and constant. I see the feelings behind that as a crucial but hidden drive.
With a romantic relationship, I'd not be satisfied with the couple-second long feelings, though, so I'm not sure about that just yet. I was in relationships before with guys and I was committed as far as it being long term and me doing things but I could not make the final commitment for marriage because of this. I want to see if it's possible to feel love more. That would also be about a bit more than just the emotions themselves but the linked ideas as well, with willingness for the final commitment. This is too long to explain right now and I don't know if anyone is interested so let's leave it at that for now.
