Topic: To all the alexithymia people - why did you get married

I have been diagnosed with Bipolar II and Schizoid Personality Disorder (before it disappeared in the DSM-V) and I scored 152 on the Alexi test. I’ve been married for 18 and my wife often complains that I don’t show her affection or seem to care for her and the two teenage children that much.

For me there are two reason I got married. Firstly I wasn’t diagnosed as being wack-a-doodle until I was 39 (which was 15 years into my marriage) and I believe hyponmania played a big part in why I pursued my wife and got married 8 months later.

Prior to being married I thought that being married would help fill the void and longing I had for a partner and acceptance. Looking back I realise I was very naïve and I’ve made my wife’s life miserable.

Why haven’t I left? I hate conflict and tend to avoid it and there a logical benefits (washing, food, companionship) that I’d rather not lose. I also realise that I could easily cope with being alone, that it would be quite boring without regular social interaction. This is despite finding sharing my life with someone a draining.

So yes I am a hopeless romantic!

Similar to nnn, I have been with a partner who now agrees he is most likely Alexthemia for 16 years (married 9 yrs).

We came across Alexithyma a couple of years ago but I didn't follow up (tired after my emotional outburst) and of course he brushed it underneath the carpet (as he does). Now I am utterly exhausted because despite getting a dog as a attempt to nurture his emotions (and raise desire for children), our empty unemotional marriage is nowhere different from 2 years ago. I am not far off 40 so every year, children literally becomes a distant dream I used to have (he doesn't dream, consider my needs or think about the future of course).

A major issue is that he is uncomfortable with sex and our sex life is non-existent. He is gradually becoming less interested, less affectionate and when he does engage in intimacy, I am very aware he doesn't feel anything because I don't either, it's methodological without feeling. I am a very emotional person and cannot detract from my feelings that the sex is meaningless, thus making me upset. So sex is an unusual rare occurrence and it has been for years (despite us both being fit, in our 30s and attractive), and he has become adjusted to that and doesn't even try to amend it or talk about it. As his successful career progresses within analytics (surprise), he is becoming more insular, less sociable and fun-seeking and more interested in lone activities (eg. intense marathon training). Affections are becoming rare and any non-chit chat conversations (about the news, politics etc) becomes monotonous - usually instigated and led by me.

I honestly don't know why he married me anymore and what the point of our marriage is. He says he loves me and wants kids but we both know he doesn't feel it. I see a miserable existence as an old age couple with an empty marriage and no children. I have moved around for his career being the good wife and as result, trashed mine (so sure I don't have a great future alone).

I feel very trapped and deceived - for years he denied he doesn't feel emotion when I suggested he was cold, 'robot-like etc). Why be with someone else if you don't feel the same or doubt whether you can ever want the same? I have always been open as I am highly communicative (my profession in fact) and intuitive. It feels like he has gained at my loss - of emotion, energy, passion and spark. I feel drained and realise 'our' lifestyle is characterised by his traits.

Please someone explain the significance of marriage/relationships, if you don't feel love?

Please someone explain the significance of marriage/relationships, if you don't feel love?
Being ultra cynical here: Pretty sure some countries give increased rights / tax benefits / pensions if you're married. Also because society says so.


A major issue is that he is uncomfortable with sex and our sex life is non-existent. He is gradually becoming less interested, less affectionate and when he does engage in intimacy... I am a very emotional person and cannot detract from my feelings that the sex is meaningless, thus making me upset.
GODDAMNIT PEOPLE! Stop making sex about emotional intimacy! Make it about FUN, make it about physical pleasure! No wonder people here keep finding alexis that don't like sex - you're making sex about the very thing they fail at! It's not meaningless. It's mutual pleasure. Trying to charge it for both of you with emotion makes it something he's not good at.

Me? I like sex. Sex is fun. Orgasm is great. I enjoy that my partner enjoys it, and I know they enjoy that I enjoy it. You have sex, you shower, and you both enjoy that wonderful post-orgasm relaxation. Bond over the physical, something you can both feel and appreciate.

Making sex emotionally charged with an alexi is like taking someone deaf to see a film... and picking a musical.


He says he loves me and wants kids but we both know he doesn't feel it.
What defines love for you? Define it, in non-emotional terms. What actions would constitute the actions of one that loves another?


Think on this: If he didn't love you he probably would have left you. However, he might feel responsible for you - are you financially secure if you leave him? Maybe he's waiting for YOU to leave if you need to leave? You're the one with the emotions, and you seem to be the one suffering here. Why should HE leave you when you're the one suffering? If you want to leave, LEAVE. As you yourself say, "Why be with someone else if you don't feel the same or doubt whether you can ever want the same?" You're suffering. Chances are he's suffering, even though he can't express it. In fact, maybe his taking up lone activities is his way if dealing with his suffering.


Sort of sorry for attacking you like this. I'm slightly bitter because I've been in this situation before. I grew distant from my ex because his response to me becoming emotionally distant from stress was to try to force the emotional gap closed... by drowning me in his emotions and not letting me breathe. This only made me pull away more. Maybe you're drowning him in emotions he can't process or understand - maybe that's why he's focusing away from you.

I don't see the issue as him being alexithymic. The issue is more like, you gave up too much in your life and you resent that. It's honestly tiring to read how much you resent about him and how much blame you put on him and on the "diagnosis".

If you can't resolve all that without blaming him then maybe it's time for you to initiate divorce and find someone more compatible with you.

One thing I do notice is, you noted he's changing towards being more unemotional and insular and asocial. Those are not good changes, regardless of him being alexithymic. So yeah, he's not in a very good place either, he just doesn't recognize it due to low awareness of his feelings.

I highly doubt he was intentionally deceiving you. No proof of that in the facts you listed. He could have been genuinely unaware of the issue of not feeling "enough". Feeling a little that to him seemed normal and to you seemed too little and too cold.

All in all my impression of your post. Maybe you are highly communicative and it's your profession but you are clearly not very well trained in dealing with psychological issues. This is fine, most people are not... me either.

But just stop for a second and think instead of purely sinking into the emotionality. As I said it is tiring to read about all this resentment and blaming. Still, I hope I helped a bit with the above observations and suggestions.

And, to answer the question, why I try to engage in relationships... I am looking to feel more than I do by default. I believe it's not impossible. I won't marry however if I can't ensure enough of that.

I wrote the post when I was feeling very upset, hence the negative tone. Actually 99% of the time, I am okay....then every 10-18 months, it suddenly hits me and I get very upset.

I am intuitive with emotions but I am not over-emotional. In fact, part of the reason why I was so upset is that I can identify that I have changed over the years to become more non-emotional and less willing to address quite blatant issues, taking on some of his traits. That is not blame, it is 'how did I get here?'

A major frustration is my husband is not fun. Yes, I've said that, he is not carefree and into doing fun things. I rarely see him laugh, he only likes those B movies like zombie crocs type stuff, then I see him laugh or enjoying something but not anything else, including sex.

To live with someone who doesn't even feel or do fun is hard. It's not about blame (though yes I do feel some degree of resentment) or defensiveness. It's not a bad situation, yet it is sometimes lifeless, empty.

I don't expect to find anyone else, maybe because I don't want to. I do love him, otherwise would have left. He is warm, kind and thoughtful - everything I wanted in a partner.

Though does that mean I sacrifice fun, enjoyment etc for a long, unemotional and empty life?

Yes I thought that may be the case, that you were just very upset at that moment. But I do think it signals that something needs to be changed - I'm sure we agree there.

As for fun... hm, what if you try being more persistent in enticing him into doing fun things? Preferably things where he has no chance to bring out the task-orientation. :) (As described in one of the other threads.) Just don't give up on this too fast.

I wonder if he's just forgotten what these things are like, how good they can feel. I've definitely been there, with becoming oblivious due to too much work and losing contact with friends and whatnot (and still in that phase somewhat, but slowly remembering again). That's also why I'm so interested in this topic because the issue is so familiar.

Hmm, also, you are saying he's warm on a superficial level but otherwise too "level" emotionally? At least the warm kind stuff is something, yes? Just not enough on its own, I guess...

To your last sentence: no, no need to see this as not changeable. It will be up to him too though, whether he arrives to the point where he explicitly wants to change this. He needs to first become fully aware of the issue though. It's a good thing you are talking to him a lot about this lately (as you said in another thread).

Sorry I can't offer any insight or answers to your questions, but I can empathize with both of your situations. For a while I had resigned myself to thinking my wife was a sociopath until the 'penny dropped' today when googling looking for answers to the many questions I had, when I discovered it's obvious she has Alexithymia.

I also constantly ask myself why she married me (or would marry anyone for that matter) and the conclusion I draw is to 'fit in' - it's a societal norm to get married. I have numerous times said to her (as I get enraged) "Do you feel anything? Do you give a f*** about anything!?" etc etc - now everything is a lot clearer as to why. Her Alexithymia is not formally diagnosed and I have not even mentioned the disorder to her yet. Personally I would get a divorce tomorrow if it wasn't for my one year old son.

Essentially I feel those with Alexithymia should have relationships with others who have the disorder, otherwise the other party (nnn, Chivvy & myself in this thread) will always be unsatisfied with the lack of relationship love shown towards them that everyone deserves.

In a perfect world those of us would Alexithymia would only get married or be in relationships with similar people. Sadly we don't all know we have this condition and some never find out.

For me I think I partially got married because of being Hypomanic (due to Bipolar II). Having said that growing up without a mother I always longed for a relationship to fill the void I had. Little did I know that the void will never be completely filled or that I would suffer and cause suffering by being married.

I've almost walked away from my marriage twice now, both times because I wasn't thinking straight (again due to Bipolar II) and I was tired of hurting my wife. Sadly/happily for me my wife and I believe marriage is forever.

I still love my wife.

It's just not an emotional love. I've never had that "puppy love", or that adoration/infatuation that you see in movies or people talking about in general.

From my perspective, we moved very quickly to that "long term haul" state.

(If you were to press me, I am not sure if what I experience would be "love" to another person, but that's getting more philosophical than I care to analyze that aspect. We have a truly unique relationship in that sense)

so im 14 and i am diagnosed already with panic disorder and sensory processing disorder, i took the test and got a score of 152 which is quite high i believe? i struggle with feeling guilt and remorse for the things i say and do to people. i dont have much sympathy and feel awkward when trying to comfort a friend in need as i literally have no idea what i should say or do for them. i even struggle showing love significant others, like i find it hard to just tell them they look pretty in person or that i love them. i know what i want but struggle to actually say it to them. i talk to myself pretty much 24/7 in my head and think through everything i do because otherwise i find myself lost. i would just go to my doctor about this but i dont want to get diagnosed with it? like its something i dont want to be certain i have so if anyone can advise me on if they think i have it or not it would be appreciated. also, if i do get diagnosed with it from a doctor what medication would i be put it on, if any, because i already take some ssris so maybe they help already. many thanks.

does any body else have a hard time calming down when you get mad or get told no

Honestly, I don't understand this. It seems to me like both parties in these situations at least partially didn't know what they were getting into. The Alexi's didn't realize that they didn't actually want whatever aspects of a relationship, and the group you're in got married without getting to know their significant other. I can't see wanting to marry a person I know so little that I don't know how emotional they are. I don't necessarily see one side as more guilty than the other, rather two people who got married without knowing each other because they felt the push of society telling them that marriage was the thing to do.

I knew that I experienced the world differently than other people. In a group therapy weekend I hooked up with a girl, kind of as an experiment. After a while she moved in with me; our relationship was too bad to stay, too good to leave. A couple of months before our daughter was born, it was time to make a decision - we got married. I followed an obligation to support them, and there was always a chance that things would improve. That's more than 30 years ago. We are still married, considering EFT to address our relationship issues. My wife suggested recently that I look into my lack of emotions and that's when I found the Alexi (self)diagnosis with a high score; I am pretty sure she would have a very low score.

Personally, I think your biggest issue is that you just don’t really seem to understand that what a person wants and what a person feels and what a person likes are all very different things?

I’m in a relationship and I have been for nearly five years. I cannot feel love. I’m simply not able to and I never have been. However, I want to spend time with my boyfriend. I like spending time with my boyfriend. His company, his companionship is something I enjoy. Going on dates, staying home together, talking about what’s going on in our lives, sex, whatever. All the things that people in relationships do. We do them because we both want to and we enjoy doing them. He loves me and if I were capable of it, I would most likely be in love with him. Hell I probably am but I just can’t feel it because of the whole mental disconnect thing.
Not to mention, he knows that I’m not capable of feeling emotion but he also knows that if I were, I’d absolutely be in love with him. He knows that I WANT to be in love with him but that I’m not physically capable of doing so anymore than a person with no legs could stand up and run a mile.

Honestly, your problem is that you expect him to do something that he simply cannot do. In obsessing over what he does not feel, you seem to be completely ignoring whether or not he wants to spend time/be with you and whether or not he enjoys it. And quite frankly, with the ridiculous amount of pressure you’re putting on him, I bet he doesn’t.

I personally don’t believe in marriage, the concept is ridiculous to me but have some of you people never heard of this little thing called “dating”? It’s where you spend time with someone and figure out what they like and stuff like that. I’m only asking because it SOUNDS like you know pretty much nothing about the person you married. You don’t know what they like to do, what they don’t like to do. Their hobbies, their talents, etc. you don’t know what y’all have in common and what you don’t.
Example. Me and my boyfriend both read. A lot. Hell read almost anything if it catches his eye. I’m more picky about my reading material. We both like music. He likes classical, I like rock. We don’t listen to music together because I hate classical music and he doesn’t like rock either. I play video games. He doesn’t. But when I’m in the mood to play video games and he’s in the mood to read, know what we do? I lay in his lap and play games while he read with his music in. Voila we’re spending time together both doing things we enjoy even if they’re not the same thing. I have insomnia and I end up sleeping more during the day than I do at night. Quite often I’ll catch up on sleep while laying on him while he reads and plays with my hair. So on and so forth.

It’s like you all get SO HUNG UP ON EMOTIONS THAT YOU FORGET HOW FIERCE AND FLEETING THEY ARE. Like, do y’all just walk around constantly feeling a certain emotion until something happens to make you feel a different one? Are you just alllll smiles and sunshine and happiness and giggles until you come across a dead puppy or something and then you just cry your eyes out until something else happens to make you happy or mad? The answer is no, of course you don’t because emotions are literally just chemicals being released into and affecting the brain and if you felt those emotions all the time then you would LITERALLY OVERDOSE ON THE CHEMICALS. Emotions don’t last forever. Relationships take work and if you put all your dice on what your significant other does or does not feel then your relationship is doomed from the start.

My question is this. If you knew ahead of time how cold and emotionless the person you were marrying was, then why did you marry them?