Topic: Turning off my emotions

I get frustrated when things don't go as I need them. For example, I was moving something and it kept falling over. I got angry and shouted and screamed at the thing. I was outside. Then someone walked by and said "hello" and I reverted to "Friendly" and said hello back, how are you doing (although I DESPISE "trite" conversation....). Then I reverted back to being angry.

Me too. I can be seen in different moods in 5 minutes. And as general, without knowing the reason, I can say that I have two moods. The first one, I am able to speak and the other one I am not able to speak. For some people, I am a talkative one where I am not able to speak for some others. Also, when I meet someone, I am talkative person at the beginning, after sometimes I am not that talkative one. I think this is because, at the beginning, it is easy to fake and find some topics to talk about; however, after sometimes there is nothing in my mind to say. So, if I see two people in 5 minutes, and they know me as different person(talkative and not talkative), I am changing my mood.

And the same with DXS. If I am in my non-talkative mood but see someone on the road, I can say hello and have a friendly conversation for 15 minutes but I do not like this situation and encountering with people on the road.

As I read your post it felt more and more familiar. I was almost certainly not an alexi from birth, in fact I was a whiny emotional child who cried and got angry very frequently. However, at the beginning of adolescence I began to suffer from extensive and somewhat regular physical and emotional abuse. At first I would cry and run away, but my abuser would follow and then mock me for crying; also becoming all the more aggressive. In order to cope a began entering a detached state where it was almost as if everything was happening to someone else. Over time I used this numb state to cope with more of my issues with ever increasing frequency; at the time this seemed like a prudent measure as any emotion triggered a greater response from the assailant, as well as opening me up to further emotional trauma. Now about 10 years have passed, and think I have experienced emotions maybe 3 times in that span. You see the more I used the "numb state" the harder it became to return to my normal state. If you still have time where you are out of this state, it may be beneficial to speak to someone about your situation, most importantly how you feel about it. I understand this may no longer be possible, if so that's OK, but if you have chance to remain connected with your emotions, try. I also realize that you may have almost no one you can think of that will listen and not force you into your numb state(in fact this is probably a large part of why you are dependent on it), and if this is true realize that you are not alone and others have been in the same spot. But if you can find one person who is wiling to try and help you, be it a counselor, friend or family member talk to them now while you may still have a chance.

GleenCoco, you are right that I'm not telling what I think since I think people do not wonder what I think. At any time, if I start to tell, after several words, they cut what I say and talk about their side of the topic. So I think they do not want to know my side and I'm not talking anymore or I'm just faking or pass to numb state. When I understand some people wonder about me, I also wonder why they wonder.

Like GlennCoco said about self, I believe I had what I refer to as "covert" emotional abuse. My mom felt that everyone ALWAYS feels "X" about "whatever" situation, so whatever she felt about whatever was what a "normal" person would "feel" about the situation and when I expressed different feelings, or had no feelings when she thought I "should" or had feelings when she thought I "shouldn't...." she couldn't deal with it. But I believe her "covert-ness" wasn't intentional. She just didn't know any different because her mom did that to her.

I have finally come to the conclusion that my mom has NO sense of "her" self......Only what she was "told" to be...... And thus she did that to me.

I always knew I was "rebelling" against "something...." but I could never ascertain WHAT I was rebelling" against! One time during my childhood I told my Mom that when I grew up I was going to move FAR away. Her response? "No you won't, you will change your mind and decide to live REAL CLOSE." (Translation: "That's what all good daughters do....")

In fact, I have finally realized that mom told me THREE BIG LIES. (What she SAID was never what she MEANT and vice versa...)

Lie #1: "When you grow up you can make your OWN decisions. (Translation: "As long as you make the same decisions Mom and Dad would make....)

Lie #2: "Do what you want to do...." (Translation: "As long as it's what Dad and Mom would want you to do.....")

Lie #3: "To thine own self be true..." (I HATED THIS ONE! Translation: Be true to what Dad and Mom want you to be.....")

In addition, as I have mentioned in other posts, I believe the forceps delivery where my head got smashed down in the process contributed to Alexithymia.....

So I got it in both areas.... injury and emotional trauma.....