Emotionless is just disadvantage?
13.03.2016 by forget-me-notI recently discover about Alexithymia and what it's mean. I think that I might be an Alexia. Here are my experience.
It was when I was in primary school that one of my classmate got hurt and I just stood there and show no emotion, that was the first time I'd been told to be cold. I just thought that deserved her right (because she was so naughty), was I wrong? Some years later, my sister and her friend said that too, I didn't know why though. From that day, I tried to react like others but I never felt like them, sometimes I wondered whether it was what they actually felt or they just faked it. When some of my relative died I didn't feel anything at all, strangely that I smiled even though I didn't feel happy either. But when I thought or dreamt of my family's death I cried a lot, it seems that I genuinely love my family. Though I don't care about others, I actually care myself a lot, I try to avoid anything that might harm me (mostly physical), and sometimes my feeling was so hurt too. To my friends, everything I did for them was just what I thought I should do to respond to their kindness, even to someone I called "closed friends", nothing went from my heart. But I soon fed of with those relationship, everytime they tried to get close to me or told me about how I craved for love, I tried to push them away and kind of irritated cause they knew nothing about me and I actually could not feel that love at all, I was more friendly with those who don't care much about me and wouldn't ask much about me. So, there is some time I'm really lonely, but I'm used to it and sometimes can find some fun being alone. I often have to find some adventure to make my life a little interesting. I feel bored quite often. I used to think that I like someone because they act or have something cool (I like cool things) but when I dreamt of them being nice to me or did something romantically with someone, I felt nothing. I often found it rather difficult to answer something like how did I feel about some event because though I might feel happy but it soon faded away, I coud feel nothing after all. Sometimes, I feel sympathetic to homeless people, but it didn't last long. Sometimes, I felt I was just some robot, not human, but it was not bad at all and can be an advantage, because I can act rationally and it's hard to hurt my feeling. Do you think like me?
P/s: I don't speak English well, so some of my sentences might be vague. Thanks for reading this and I also look forward to your thought.
those who don't care much about me
13.03.2016 by yBeB
I was more friendly with those who don't care much about me and wouldn't ask much about me.
This is the point for me to love someone. In my life, there is always one person who I love, miss.. (I am alexithymic for all others)Time to time, this person is changing for two reason:
When I leave from her(by graduating from high school for example)
When this person start to care about me more than... (I do not know the bound)
You are faking your life, too!
13.03.2016 by DXS
I can relate to the OP. You are faking your way through life as I did. It sucks.
more friendly to those who dont care about me
19.03.2016 by kat3lb
Being less friendly to people who care more, interesting point, true even in my case. I believe that the reason behind is that people who care are also likely to have greater expectations in terms of feedback, including its emotional part. As I am afraid that my feedback towards their caring would not be emotional enough and they would reproach this to me (happened many times in past), I rather keep distance.
Reciprocity
28.03.2016 by CV
Perhaps reciprocity is the problem?
I've been thinking along these lines myself. Ethically, I prefer to behave in a very compassionate, helpful way. But I always end up in trouble as when I display behaviour that is interpreted as compassionate, friendly, fun, helpful, interested, or interpreted sexually as either actively pursuant or passively inviting, people respond and start to believe we have some kind of relationship which involves mutual feelings.
When this is eventually proven to be not the case, they behave as if I had tricked them somehow, as if my behaviour could only have been intended in one way and then suddenly I'm changing my mind.
As for myself, I realise I actually cannot be as friendly and kind as I'd like to be for my own satisfaction, because it would result in said misunderstanding, or it results in a relationship that is overwhelming for me - calling all the time, knocking on my door, asking where I'm going and what I'm doing, expecting me to be available, expect me to be interested in every facet of that person's life - a relationship, basically.
I'm in the process of finding a way (hopefully through healthcare) that I can be as caring, compassionate, friendly and helpful as I like and no one can possibly mistake this for a personal intimate relationship, because it's my job.
That's what it reads like when you relate being more friendly with those who don't return it. You're spared the reciprocity - you can simply exercise those softer parts of yourself without worrying about getting in over your head when you don't understand the complex emotions involved.
