Topic: Argue for your limitations, and they are yours

I'm surprised that you haven't gotten any responses. I just joined the forum on a whim, and yours caught my attention quite off the bat.

I'll have to agree with OP here that there is no sense in defining yourself by your limitations. We tend to act in conjunction with the way we think of ourselves. For instance, I've always thought of myself as a socially awkward loner, until I dropped the label, and forced myself to partake in more social activity and public speaking (INTJ/P here). And I'm very hesitant to describe myself as depressed, and use the term 'depressive mood' when I'm facing difficult situations that cause me to withdraw. It may seem like mere semantics, but if you put yourself in a box, you miss out on the chance to evolve and change or grow.

There's quite no need to think of being "less emotive" as dysfunctional. I consider traits as a spectrum; so what if we are on the lower end? In social situations, even if you are unable to empathize, I'm sure you might be able to logically extrapolate what someone may be feeling in that situation from previous experiences.

Apologies if this feels like rehashing; thought I should give my own spin on it.

I am seeing a lot of people say they are INTJ (Myers-Briggs). I am INTJ, although I have flip flopped between ENTJ or INTJ. But mostly I am the TNJ part.

Wow, are most of us INTJ?

How do I argue for the limitations?

It takes me 48 hours to two weeks to process my emotions. By the time I figure out I have a problem with something someone said, they have forgotten and won't discuss it with me because, "I should have brought it up at the time." I'm currently No Contact with my mom over this.

What am I supposed to do? My mom wants me to "let things go." The problem is, I have been letting things go my entire freaking life!

Your Mom is right - let things go. If you feel you really must stew over an emotion for up to two weeks, then you're certainly not staying in the present moment and living your life in the now - you're living very much in the past. Letting things go is as simple as choosing what you think about. Nobody can make that choice for you; only you can choose what you give importance to and what you think about.

Is 'No Contact' working with your Mom? I thought not. No contact, refusing to talk about a situation, telling someone that discussion is over - all of these are simply you hiding from yourself. Really hard to do this, as you've no doubt found, because you know all the places to look, you know all the buttons to press to make yourself unhappy, morose, feeling 'depressed', etc. Please try to always keep the lines of communication open with others.

One of the secrets to happiness, I am certain, is selective memory. It is also the secret to unhappiness. If you choose to remember and dwell on how wonderful a person is, how much you love them, how much better your life is with them in it. As Elton John sings, "I hope you don't mind ... that I put down the words, how wonderful life is now you're in the world" - have that attitude to a person, your Mom for instance, and it is not possible to have any significant no contact time. You could, of course, go the other way and focus on the negatives, but why would you? Only choice driven by ego would cause someone to choose to harm themselves and their relationship with another in that way. It is amazing how often our ego causes us harm due to our lack of discretion about our choices.

Alexithymia, as I mentioned earlier, is a short cut term to a series of symptoms a person appears to feel or show. It is not an excuse for poor choices in this lifetime. Do not use it to excuse your choices. Do not bleat 'I'm alexi so I have to be like that'. You do not. You have the power of choice. Do not give away your choice to attempt to conform to an imagined model because you scored a certain number on a test. The past has gone; the future is yet to arrive; the only place you can live your life is in the now. The now is a gift - why else do you think it's called the present? Live there. Learn from the past, plan for the future, but do both in the present. You might like to read Eckhart Tolle's book "The Power of Now" for more explanations of how to do this.

Meantime, give your Mom a call and tell her how much you love her. It's really not that hard to do. As for letting things go your entire freaking life - yes, that's what you do - welcome to life.

Is 'No Contact' working with your Mom? I thought not. No contact, refusing to talk about a situation, telling someone that discussion is over - all of these are simply you hiding from yourself. Really hard to do this, as you've no doubt found, because you know all the places to look, you know all the buttons to press to make yourself unhappy, morose, feeling 'depressed', etc. Please try to always keep the lines of communication open with others.

YOU don't understand. MOM is the one refusing to talk about things. She won't talk about things when it takes me two weeks to process something.

You should not judge when you are not in the other person's shoes.

I DO NOT love her. I don't hate her either. I just feel neutral. You should not judge when you are not in the other person's shoes.

Hi DXS - Thanks for your two posts. Sorry, I was under the impression that when you asked 'How' a few posts ago that you really wanted some ideas. Sorry if this was not the case. I was unaware that I was judging anyone or anything, but then how would I know? I'm 132 on the test, whatever that means. BTW, I'm also ENTJ - seems the E and I can change but many have the NTJ part, as you have commented. I wonder if that is necessarily so?

Just a quick question - if it does take you 2-14 days to process something that happened, do you consider it really appropriate or even useful to contact the person with whom the incident happened 2-14 days before and bring it up again? Quite probably they have forgotten all about it. You could too if you chose to, but it appears that you don't (and that is not a judgement, simply and observation).

We all wear different shoes throughout life, nobody walks in ours except us. However, we're all living, breathing, experiencing and human. The common ground would appear to be greater than the differences. So it is always possible to learn from others provided we are willing to make this choice. I wish you well in your learning, whatever form that may take.

Yes, I was asking for ideas, but I guess I did not make myself clear. Yes, when it takes me two weeks to process something, YES, I STILL NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT! But that's the problem, the other person has forgotten! I was asking for how I can bring up stuff when it takes me two weeks to process something!

I am tired of watching other people "just instantly know" how they feel and respond accordingly, and then it takes me two weeks to realize that something that went "over my head" has just now dawned on me that it was something that upsets me! I'm tired of having to "push things down." That is what my mom wants.

I tell her I have this issue that it takes me two weeks to process, she SAYS she "understands" but then she turns around and in the SAME BREATH she says, "Can you just PUT THIS BEHIND YOU and LET THINGS GOOOOOOO?????"

The message this sends me is.... "ok, so you have this problem just don't make me have to deal with it." This tells me that she doesn't love me enough to want to help me with this and "deal with it." And this is what I have had to deal with my entire life and I am so tired of having to "push things down" because no one remembers what happened to weeks ago!

So, again my question. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

Hi again DXS. I'm going to give you a couple of ideas and a process which may help you to let go of things, if you wish to, and after you have decided what it is that you want to release.

Firstly, I am assuming that if someone says something to you and a couple of weeks later you realize it is praise or some other warm fuzzy thing, you'd like to hold onto it. In that case, next time you see the person a simple 'thank you for ....' would go a,long way to maintaining good relations. So the only ones you want to release are the 'negative', cold prickly things.

The simplest way, which may work for you, is to write down what you would like to respond to the person. I find that once something is written down I am able to forget (or release) it very easily. What you do with the written note is up to you - some people burn it, some just throw it away, others just lose it. Whatever else you do, do not keep it and reread it each few days - that is retaining, not releasing, it. You've already lived it once, you don't need to live it again

Another method, which is very effective, is to have a campfire. No, not literally, in your mind. The procedure for this really is quite simple. Firstly, bring to mind both the person and what you would like to say to them. Then sit down in a quiet place where you won't be disturbed, close your eyes and relax completely. Breathing slowly and deeply can help in this. Then imagine yourself becoming very tiny and travelling to your heart. Once inside your heart, sit down. Imagine someone coming here now who would be the ideal person as a mentor to help you. This may be someone you know, someone you would like to know, maybe a religious figure, a saint, or whatever. Certainly not the person you want to talk to though. Then imagine a campfire starting up right here in your heart. The nature of this campfire is unconditional love and acceptance. Once you and your mentor are sitting by the fire, bring the person to whom you wish to speak and have them sit by the fire also. Then tell the person exactly what you wish to say. It's important that you say the words out loud so your body can hear them, and also important that you speak to the person as though they were really there. Once you have finished, allow the person time to reply. Just listen in your mind to what is said. Just accept it; it doesn't need to be right or wrong; you don't need to judge, just listen. If you need to, reply and allow the person to reply as many times as you wish. Once everything is finished, then the most healing thing you can do is to forgive the person for whatever it is that needs to be forgiven. Remember that you are forgiving for yourself, not for the person. Just say the words of forgiveness out loud as though actually talking to the person. If you need to be forgiven by the person just ask for this forgiveness and allow this to flow through your body into every cell. Once that is complete, collect a box and brush from your mentor then go through your body and clean out everything negative about this person from inside and between your cells. Once everything is cleaned out and in the box, give it back to your mentor, who will put a ribbon around the box and throw it in the fire. Once that is completed, thank the person for being there and allow them to step into the fire of unconditional love and acceptance. Then thank your mentor and allow them to return to where they came from. Then allow the fire to go out and gently come back to the present and open your eyes when ready.

Once you've done this a few times it will become easy and fast. The first few times you may need to make and refer to a list in order so you can glance at that during the process. Basically, you bring people to the fire, talk with the person in question, forgive and receive forgiveness, clean out, thank, come back to the present.

I'll be interested to hear how this works for you. Best wishes.

Thank you for your effort to help, but you still don't "get it." I do NOT want to "let things go." I WANT TO ADDRESS THE ISSUES! Even if it's two weeks later! It's not fair that someone who "instantly knows" what they feel get to address it, yet I am not "allowed" to because it takes me two weeks to realize it's an issue. I have had to repress my entire life! I'm sick of this! I want to be able to address things with the people even if it's two weeks later!

I'm tired of being "not allowed" to address my feelings and my issues because of some idiotic "social rule" that says the person who can't remember two weeks later gets the benefit of the doubt and I am left with unresolved issues.

That is what I'm dealing with on my Mom. She doesn't want to talk to me. She doesn't love me enough to help me with this. She just keeps sending me the message that she doesn't want to help me with this. She just wants me to keep on living as though everything is just peachy keen! IT'S NOT PEACHY KEEN!

When I was a teen, she made my entire life into a joke for her amusement. I kept trying to tell her my feelings were hurt, only to be told I was "too sensitive." Well, I'm SOR-REE that my feelings were a big inconvenience in her life. About six years ago, on a phone conversation, I got her to admit that "she did not care ONE IOTA about my feelings." She said it, she cannot take it back. When she said it, it was like a light bulb went off in my head, and this explained why she made my entire life into a joke for her amusement.

The way I see it, her refusal to talk about it only means that she has personal issues of her own that she doesn't want to "see" in herself. My bringing things up forces her to "see" the things in herself she doesn't want to see.

Alan, you started the thread, and you called it "Argue for your limitations, they are yours." I'm interpreting this to mean that I need to argue for the fact that sometimes I have to bring things up two weeks after they happened.

Yes, that's true, but you do have a choice (we always have a choice if we choose to take it). Your choice is to either confront the person two weeks later and say to them in physicality what it is you need to say to them. The other choice is as I have described above - confront them in image and deal with it that way. This is far safer and more effective, believe me, I have used both methods. Try it - nothing venture. nothing win (as Sir Edmund Hillary is reputed to have said).