≡ Topic: I tried

English Alexithymia Forum > Personal Experience

I tried
21.06.2014 by AC

I posted here about a year back (I am ACJ - forgot my password and couldn't get the account back)
I figured I was over reacting and if I tried for a year I could get better.
I haven't. Nothing has changed. I am a pit of emotions I can't tell apart and emotions others feel for things seem odd to me. Like Why are you so excited for the spoilers of some show? and of course Why aren't you excited about the job interviews you're gonna face ?
I can tell a few emotions apart - Anger, Humor and Nervousness.
That is literally all I can feel.
I can't remember the last time I felt anything else.

Me again
25.06.2014 by AC

I have however noticed a couple of things:
1. My body seems to react physically to the emotion - but the mind is still at neutral. Like the other day I almost got hit by a car - and my breathing increased - but my mind literally had no reaction.
2. Stimulants like caffiene seem to make these physical outbursts occur. Caffiene makes me feel harder - and if an angry memory comes to mind - I start punching walls - but not feel the anger itself.
It is quite an odd jumble.
Then again - Comfortably Numb.

Dozo yoroshiku
18.08.2014 by Bushido

Hello AC,
I think get what you're saying,

It feels like the two aren't mutually inclusive, the physical feeling and your mental reaction? At times as though they're wholly exclusive, and your just on an island of mental peace in the middle of what should be a tsunami in the pacific?

So I'm not sure if it's the same as you but that what's I feel. Most of the time. Other times, especially when people are happy & I'm still unphased I feel a bit... Hollow.

Domo arigatou

To AC
03.09.2014 by Elita

Yes me too! My body reacts but my mind is neutral, like you're mind cant sink in the feeling/s that the body reacts to. Like two incompatible partners. Like that one time I saw a cocroach and my body became a little jumpy but my mind is point blank

Reply
23.09.2014 by AC

Hello Bushido and Elita.
I feel precisely how you both describe it. The two aren't mutually inclusive.

Things however do trigger this sort of pain in my heart. But no emotion. I can feel my heart clenching, pulse racing, breath quickening - all that - but no emotion is being set off in my brain. It is as if some one cut off the connection between Emotions and their physiological responses. The very scarce emotions I do feel slip away very quickly from my grasp and I am brought to nothingness again.
I was wondering if things would get better with time - but that doesn't seem to be so. I've resigned myself to the fact that this is all life will be. A pit of emotions I can't discern no matter what.
Don't know what to feel about that.

Hey
23.09.2014 by AC

Another thing I have started doing is being immensely reckless -without thinking twice about anything. I am guessing this is bad because as I lack the emotional faculty to make decisions - I ought to rely on logical processes more. But that's too heavy to do - the end result is the whole thing bursting in my face.