Topic: Might Have Alexithymia

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Might Have Alexithymia
11.03.2014 by Nih

I don't know how to exactly start this, since I didn't know what to properly title this thread/topic/whatever, so I'll just dive in.

When I was a young age, 5-7, I woke up and realized I didn't have genuine emotions. Instead, I had these sort of artificial reactions that I pretended to have. Ever since then, I began to notice it as it happened. It wasn't what people make it out to be, though, or for me it isn't. People make it out to be like you are counting down the seconds to flash that fake smile. But for me it just happens automatically, though it isn't real, and as soon as people look away, it diminishes in less than a millisecond.

When my mother was pregnant with me, she apparently was going through the prime of her negative emotional issues and problems (mental illness is very prominent in my family, and her parents were abusive on top of that). As soon as I started displaying signs that I wasn't normal, she pretty much immediately blamed herself for it, since she was anticipating it since the moment I was born (everyone was, honestly). However, I think her problems are very different, even if she projects them onto me. For example, she has very vivid emotions, and wants to escape from whatever her mental issues are, though I find power in mine. I think emotions are weak, and I will be the first to admit that I am weak for wishing I had them. (There would have originally been a lot of profanity in that sentence, but I don't know how that would fly here).

Before I get right into talking about some other things I wanted to address, I should probably say this first. The closest thing to an emotion that I have would be this state of dysphoria I find myself in almost every day. I used to convince myself that it was the only emotion that was worth feeling, but I have found out that I do not in fact feel this emotion. I can delude myself into believing that I do, but at any moment in "feeling" this emotion, I can just immediately snap out of it. And then it's gone, completely gone, and that clarity returns that tells me... "You feel this moment the same you felt then, nothing." However, I would say this is the closest thing to a legitimate feeling I have, and it's incredibly nonexistent.

I imagine it would be the same for all of my other emotions as well, but I don't have them. There is this neutrality that exists within me. It isn't happy, it isn't sad, it isn't angry, it just is. It's not blank and empty, because that would imply it could somehow be filled, or that it was a feeling (key word) of emptiness or being blank. There's just neutrality, neither a good emotion or a negative emotion. Not one to be found. I would almost describe it as a sort of levelness. Whereas people drive on the highways of their lives, going up and down on the negative and positive emotions like speed bumps and potholes, mine is just flat, level, and I am on cruise control/auto-pilot going through it.

This next statement may seem paradoxical to everything I've just said, however. I do get things like fear, panic, dread, loneliness, anger, disgust, and rage. But it's not the same as other people. I may have these things, but I don't feel them. My best analogy is inspired by some Vedic philosophy. You can be splashed with water, your clothes and body may get wet, and you may even feel the sensation of wetness, but you yourself are not wet, you yourself cannot be wet, you yourself can only get wet. How that correlates to my situation is... I may get angry, but I don't feel it. I feel the exact same as before, and then I'll go to feeling the exact way afterwards, which is nothing. It's always the same, even at the news of a death in the family, which a few has happened recently, I just feel that neutrality, nothing, and that's it. It's like a mask that is put over my emotionlessness, covering only the surface, the face, concealing what is truly underneath. A personal friend of mine, who I used to be intimate/romantic with, died recently. I felt nothing. I was more worried about the social tension of me hiding the fact I felt nothing from the person who told me than I felt anything at the loss of my friend/ex-lover. It's in the word itself, though, isn't it? Feel. It implies you are feeling something, and I just don't.

Two things from wikipedia caught my eye. It says "Alexithymia is defined by:... 3. constricted imaginal processes, as evidenced by a scarcity of fantasies and 4.a stimulus-bound, externally oriented cognitive style." This is what really stood out to me, because, especially as a child, I denied the fact I had an imagination. Of course I could play pretend, but when it came to visualizing or having an actual imagination, I knew I didn't have one. I even try to have elaborate visualizations everyday because I meditate and part of my meditation involves some visualizing. It doesn't go very well, needless to say. I'm in my head a lot, but it's not visual based, it's purely word based. That is to say they are just statements or phrases I am saying to myself in my head, rather than a fantasy or an imagined, visual scenario. The 4th thing, even though I'm listing it as the second because I disregarded the other two main symptoms from the article, directly plays into this because I need that concrete-ness of objective reality to backup everything I think, as if I need it to be verified or validated through the external world. Because there is so little within, I have to sort of impulsively seek to compensate for this by looking outside myself. I don't know if that made any sense as to how I think they are similar, and I know I didn't explain it very well.

A big thing I have to confess is this... Whenever I say "I feel" in any given scenario, what I actually mean is "I think". For example, if someone isn't giving me enough attention, I might say that "I feel you aren't giving me any attention". However, I don't actually feel this as a feeling or some intuition or a hunch or whatever that is supposed to be. It's purely just my mind making an observation. There are infinite instances where this fits in, but that felt (see, I'm doing it right now) like that was the best way of explaining it. It's nothing more to me than a figure of speech.

Other than this, I should probably say that I have problems with my nerves, a lot of social anxieties, and anorexia. The nerve/social anxiety bit runs in my family. All the women in my family (very little exception) have problems with their nerves and are all put on medication and diagnosed with all sorts of problems. Because my mother was pregnant with me when she was going through the roughest of this, it was guaranteed that I'd never be normal. No one was surprised when I started showing signs of mental illness, instead it was treated more like a coming into birthright. Believe it or not, that's only a slight exaggeration.

The only thing keeping me from thinking I definitely have alexithymia is the fact that I've seen a lot of you on the forum describing an inability to describe one's emotions, or in figuring out what they should be given a circumstance. I understand what my emotions should and would be, I just don't have them. Though, I have terrible empathy, I doubt I could accurately tell someone's emotions just from looking at them unless it was really exaggerated, cliche, or obvious. What I'm saying is that it is sort of the reverse, that instead of having emotions but being unable to identify what they are or feel them, I don't have emotions but know what they should be. Like if someone dies, I know I'm supposed to feel grief, I may even pretend to be grieving, but I'm not and don't feel it. Is that still alexithymia?

And just as a note, I don't know if this is important or not, but I took the test and scored "very high" (or it was something akin to that description) on everything except the first two things, which were identifying your own emotions and being able to understand the emotions of others. I scored "not very" on those.

What do you guys think? I don't want to be like this anymore, honestly, so I found this forum through trying to help myself and now I am asking you all for help. Does it sound like alexithymia? What should I do about it if it is? Am I like this forever? If it isn't alexithymia, what is it?

Hi...
11.03.2014 by Lex-G

I found your story interesting and found some similarities with my own situation. I'd say you have Alexi - just have to remember that the 'symptoms' can vary between people but the core of what you are saying is that you have no emotions but can fake your reactions and almost play pretend.

Personally, discovering that I may have Alexi doesn't bother me, because I don't care and I don't care that I don't care. Is this similar for you maybe ?

Have you ever had problems through all of this with other people? I've made family members cry on regular occasions due to flat responses, playing 'sick' jokes or just generally pissing them off from being emotionless in an 'emotional situation'

I have heard people on this forum describe Alexi as being 'comfortably numb.' Perhaps this is what you are.

Hello.
12.03.2014 by Nih

Personally, discovering that I may have Alexi doesn't bother me, because I don't care and I don't care that I don't care. Is this similar for you maybe ?

Yes and no, I guess. Honestly, I waver through intervals of going between being in a state just as you described it, where I have absolutely no thought or concern for it, and then wishing I could do something about it. But when I think that I want to change it, actually feel something, it is usually only when I am going through an episode of deluding myself into feeling dysphoric, so that's only a small percentage of the time that I think this way.

Have you ever had problems through all of this with other people?

Yes. I've never been able to hide very well ever since I became self-aware (as in reached an age where I became thoroughly conscious about myself and my surroundings). I've blatantly told people, family included, how I feel, which is nothing, and of course they didn't take it too well. Luckily most of the people that I know aren't very intellectually bright, so a majority of them just dismiss me for being "spoiled" or "stuck up" or whatever. I guess that goes more into my favor, though, than the alternative, which is having them know (as well as understand) the truth.

I'm not sure if you expect anything more to this post or not, but I don't know what else to say.

I agree-- mostly
29.03.2014 by ttme123

A lot of what you said describes me exactly, especially in that I feel like emotions are weak and pointless, and I often feel like they're holding us (as a species) back in some things (mostly things like morals prohibiting scientific experiments.) I also can sometimes recognize what emotions would be appropriate in some situations, but not particularly detailed. For instance, reading books about depressing subjects like Night, everybody was saying how sad (they were more descriptive, but I don't know how to describe what they said) it made them feel and how they couldn't stop thinking about it. I, however, acknowledged that what happened was terrible, and knew that it would generally be considered upsetting, but didn't actually care at all, or experience any reactions. It's not even that it was a boring book, I saw and knew people who cried over it.

That's actually how my "emotions" work. I realize what general emotion would be socially accepted (but never very descriptive, just "sad" "happy" "angry" "worried") and pretend to experience them if I feel it would be in my favor and worth it.

I also have pretty bad social anxiety, but even when "embarrassing" things happen, like I say "you too" when a server tells me to have a good meal, I don't actually feel embarrassed. I just know that that was an incredibly embarrassing thing, and think that I look like a complete idiot. I worry about the consequences for myself, I don't actually blush unless I feel like it.

Sometimes expressing emotions feels like I'm manipulating people, because I feel like I'm either making them feel guilty (if its a negative emotion) or just plain old tricking them (if it's positive.)

I think that it's possible that I might have basic emotions in intense situations, but if so I ignore them in favor of logical thinking. It's always been my opinion that logic, objective thinking, and justice should come before emotions, compassion, and consideration for feelings. I sometimes think things wouldn't affect people very much, and so people tell me to consider how someone would feel about that happening to them. Unfortunately, I just pretend like I get it and file it for later, so that I can have a more appropriate reaction.

Also, I tend to think of myself in a way that could almost be considered like a robot, because I think that results are more important than what's required to achieve them, unless it would endanger me physically (because that would be the illogical thing,) and, in my opinion, one's duties come before one's feelings. So when people talk about the movie Brave, and how awesome Merida is for doing what she wants, it almost makes me cringe. I think that even though princesses couldn't do what they wanted with their life, they had a responsibility to just suck it up and do what they have to do for the good of their people.

And though I sometimes "feel" emotions, it's something that I can control. For instance, I'll sometimes get "angry" when talking about gay marriage, not because of how the gay couples must feel about it, but because I think that equality is obviously the most logical idea. Same thing with women's rights, and racism, and all that jazz. However, if I want, I can just stop reacting in an "angry" way, and calmly discuss it without any emotional attachment. I usually get "passionate" about it because I've noticed it gets the best response.

Also, when it comes to imagination, I do have one, but it's not as crazy as other peoples. I manipulate it however I want, and to me it works like a computer. (I actually wrote a paper on it once, which I might post somewhere on this site later.) I use it in things like geometry and engineering, and I picture the shape and edit it to get the right results as efficiently as possible. If I'm bored (a lot) I "tune in" and I'll play a "movie" (sometimes an actual scene form something, sometimes something I put together) and watch it. My dreams aren't the stereotypical Alexi dreams in which one does everyday activities, but are instead usually about whatever I was doing before I fell asleep. If I was watching a tv show, then generally it's me as a character in that show, doing stuff that would happen in the show.

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