Topic: Please. Help me, I need to know.

Not sure if what you're looking for is what I'm writing about in another post, but I'm essentially writing a "complete guide" to dealing with Alexithymia. You should check it out, it might help. It's under "Any way of logically beginning to understand person feelings?" topic under the Personal Experience tab.

We people are social creatures--this means that we are drawn to be part of groups--that belonging to groups is critical to our survival. The rub though, is that people in groups are also really dangerous. When we look at other people our minds assess whether the person we are looking at is a member of our 'in-group' or in an 'out group'--our brains respond completely differently depending on the answer to this. We also assess where the person we are looking at fits on our mental social ladder--are they more powerful or less powerful than we are? Do we think the other person represents opportunities for us, or threats? Again, how we will think about and treat that person depends on what we decide. People aren't very when they come into contact with out-group members that they consider threats, and they don't recognize the needs of people lower in hierarchy to them. As such, our minds are constantly on the look out for signs that we are being treated like out-group and or low hierarchy people and respond by recognizing that we are facing a threat when there are signs this has happened. You were bullied--being bullied causes our minds to take protective measures--it becomes easy to feel that mainstream life is an 'out-group' to oneself--this means not just feeling distant from the sense of community that other feel, but also not wanting to feel closer.

The people in your life and wider community didn't step in to rally behind you when you deserved it so now your subconscious doesn't trust other people. This is one of many coping methods for dealing with people treating your horribly, but it is a hard one in the long run. If this makes sense, find ways to forgive yourself for how you feel and forgive others both for hurting you and for not standing with you. I suspect the fits of rage are a result of your system ignoring all emotions until you are forced to experience them--months of emotion released in 30 seconds. I've had friends who have found relief through therapy--just having a person who isn't there to judge but who does have a lot of experience guiding people from self protective numb states to something more workable in the long term. Good luck to you.

I just discovered alexithymia exists yesterday. I came across it researching my symptoms online. You are not the only one! reading your post is like reading about my own life. It seems that I am literally incapable of expressing emotions. As hard as I try, it just seems like I can barely even put my finger on what feelings I am having. I hate talking about emotions and feelings. When I do feel things.... The feeling is vague and I cannot explain why I am having it or what is causing it. Very frustrating! Something will have to bother me for an extremely long time for me to finally figure out it is bothering me. By that point, I'm ready to explode!
Social events secretly always make me feel anxious and I am never sure why. I love physical contact with my partner, but that is the only person i am at all comfortable with physical contact. Secretly, i cringe every time I have to give someone a hug goodbye.
I think it's interesting you bring up the bullying... At 10 years old, my family moved across the state. I experienced brutal bullying for a year straight after leaving all of my friends and hometown. It was a battle to stay alive. I cried everyday. But I got thru it, and eventually it stopped. But I never have been the same since, and I know it. I'm constantly anxious in different social interactions and fake all of my emotions/interactions. It took me years to ccome out of shell after spending years studying other peoples behavior, learning how i am supposed to act and feel. I'm tentative to get sincerely emotionally close to any of my friends, and I can't remember the last time i truly missed a friend or family member. I never understood what was wrong with me and considered myself emotionally broken. The funny thing is, the only person who knows the real me, is my partner. To everyone else, I fake the day to day emotions and social interactions as I have learned to do and have gotten good at over the years.

I feel pretty much the exact way. However, I don't know if I actually experience rage or if I've just become so good at pretending that I almost do. Mostly, I agree with the following statements you said (they describe me so perfectly it's almost scary (if I could feel fear)):

- family members and friends passing, or becoming ill/hurt do not strike an emotional response in me that i can recognize.
- Sexual experiences cause no emotion, nor do i understand why they would, or how they do for most people.
- i do not feel empathetic towards others, or care to understand how they are feeling
- I feel lonely, yet i don't yearn for affection
- i do not like physical contact apart from sexual ones.

I forgot to address something. Although I was bullied some in middle school and high school, I think that my Alexithymia was developing even before that. I doubt that being bullied caused it. Because, to be honest, by the time it started (some girl and her friend picked on my over my speech impediment, they would take my belongings and only give them back when I said a bunch of difficult words (difficult for me that is, like "fourteen" "purple") a lot. It struck no emotional response, just "irritation" (or it would have been irritating, instead I just knew what irritation was and knew since I didn't feel embarrassment, the only thing I had to worry about was the fact that the whole thing was a waste of my time.)

those fits of rage don't happen to me. instead, I experience episodes where I become clinically violent in my own mind. Honestly, I just think that it is just your mind trying to express your bottled up emotions in a way that won't damage your shell too much. Just make sure you are not seen having an episode. The best thing to do is to talk yourself out of it. Breathe.