Topic: Can you relate?

This. This is all exactly how I feel. It's weird to say that you explained my feeling almost exactly, when it's hard to say what emotions those are (if any..?).

I don't really know how to handle this is day to day life. It's threatening my relationships with everyone in my life. I have to be drunk or high to feel anything or explain anything, but those are usually the moments people think you are full of crap when you talk. It's so frustrating. I feel like I need to be understood by partner and family... but that's not ever going to happen. And I don't know that I actually care. I care, but only because I know I should.

The point that you got me on the most was talking about memories. I can't remember anything hardly from my childhood, and almost as soon as I do, I forget. And recent events in my life might as well not have happened unless I made a conscious effort to remember them or something about them striked me as particularly noteworthy. Some things I can describe in great detail, but most things I have a really hard time telling if I made up what I remember or if it actually happened.

It's all so frustrating. Sometimes I feel like everyone in my life would be better off without knowing me because I think I make life harder on those who interact with me.

I don't perceive the world via alexithymia. I came to this forum because my husband does and I was curious about whether there could be a neural link between his alexithymia and that fact that he dances in an arrhythmic way. I do have experience with recovering from depression, and professional experience related to how behavior changes after trauma. Some researchers think that depression is the mind triggering a stasis state similar to what is found in nature, for instance, found in situations when fish are in extremely polluted water--they switch into a state where they barely move and therefore need less oxygen and increase the chances they will survive. As such, depression (and trauma) can mimic alexithymia. So, until your brain reverts from it's hormone/structural changes that goes with clinical depression you won't be able to accurately assess if you also have the brain wiring that goes with alexithymia. It is entirely possible to have both, but if you'd determined you have alexithymia after your depression started you really need to wait until you've recovered. I recommend watching Robert Sapolskly's lecture on the changes that happen in our brain during depression and how it effects behavior and emotions: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOAgplgTxfc

Your mind isn't communicating well with itself right now--your threat/fear response are churning out hormones that usually signal emotional changes but right now the information provided by these hormones aren't being acknowledged by your executive function--their signaling stays below your level of awareness. This doesn't mean they don't have influence on your behavior, a lot of the experiences you've written about show their reflection. Threat hormones lead us to redefine who we trust and subtly send the sense that we should avoid people we used to engage with. The hormones lead us to see patterns around us that don't necessarily exist--a lot of times this is expressed in seeing patterns in our own behavior that leads to conclusions that we wouldn't trust if the hormones weren't there. When I was depressed I had so much proof about a lot of awful things about who I was and who I would be--they haven't held up. I was able to see patterns of negative things happening through my past--it was only after I recovered that I realized that the 'proof' that was so solid was actually just a small part of a bigger picture. We believe things that aren't correct. These hormones change our immune system--they exist to help our body cope with war/predation, etc. When they are in our system our blood flow changes, our immune response changes--our body is poised to handle needing to attack, flee, or endure a wound. This changes how often we get sick, and can make us feel sick when technically we aren't (our immune system is engaged despite having no virus to engage with) Threat hormones prime us to be ready to do rash, even violent things. You mention being extremely violent towards people--who engage with you at the wrong time. You need to build protections against that, I know the moments you are talking about--some call the 'amygdala hijacking'--you need to find a way to recognize situations that bring them on (in some people they come from threats to one's sense of self) and techniques both to exit the situation and to channel the urge to act rashly into something that doesn't hurt you or the other person.

The tiny number of people who have experienced a long period of emotional and physical security (who's minds aren't tuned to prioritize searching for risk) have minds that are pretty well balanced--their circadian clock wakes them up in the morning with a surge of the same threat seeking chemicals that cause the avoidance/pattern seeking (fight or flight) behaviors when in much greater doses, but over the day the level of threat hormones decreases or increases in reasonable amounts depending on what stimuli they encounter--and by evening it is low enough for them to fall into a restful sleep. When something is going on that means we have way more threat hormones than normal our minds a lot of things can happen. Our minds want to be able to think clearly, but not at the expense of leaving ourselves open to predators. Enjoying things and being happy=distraction which equals=open to predation, so our mind mutes our ability to notice pleasure. Sleep can open us to danger, so a lot of time that is minimalized (which makes it harder to recover)--our minds want to be able to think clearly so our brain will reduce the number of neuro-receptors we have that process emotional cues--this works in the sense that we are less overwhelmed by the threat chemicals, but it creates a greater disconnect between stimuli and emotion--we start feeling emotionally flat. We know what emotion everyone else is feeling it, but we aren't feeling it. Our minds cue us to do things that will restore the hormone balance it wants--this is where we accidentally screw ourselves over. Alcohol mimics euphoria--we feel 'euphoria' when threat hormones are chemically altered into a version that no longer cues the body to be on guard. When we drink alcohol our brains misunderstand what they are experiencing and think 'YES!' our hormone balance is moving in the right direction, get more of this! but it's wrong--the chemical mix that is cueing us to seek out solutions is left unchanged by the alcohol, the sense of euphoria goes away with no change to our brain's actual chemical balance. Same with your joints--it feels good because it tricks your brain into feeling like you are doing the hard work it takes to restore homeostasis, but instead you are just adding more 'not actually useful' chemicals into the mix.

All of the brain changes that happen in us happen for very solid reasons. Our minds change and shape themselves to fit the dangers it recognizes around us--the problem is, it bases its assessment of how dangerous the world is on the brutal lessons your ancestors learned the hard way over millions of years of great and awful things that happened to them and was brought to you through the code of your dna. Our minds will fiercely protect its altered state if it has decided the most appropriate thing we should be feeling to get through the most advantageous way possible is to be in an altered state from everyone else. It doesn't help that mainstream culture pretends that we are never supposed to act like we are in danger, we are all supposed to be happy and not notice that the world actually is very dangerous for a lot of people. But the thing is, our minds will change themselves to be braced for threats or disconnect to endure periods without oxygen based on incorrect information: based on external trauma that we've escaped, based on us altering sleep patterns and consuming substances that signal horrible things happening that aren't actually happening--for this reason it is worth over-rulling our mind's assessment that we need to stay separate from others to stay safe. This is hard though, it takes a lot of hard and painful work. You mention going to the therapist and then just sitting there: ie 'not willing to do hard work'. Go back to the therapist, answer their questions. It won't be a magic trick that fixes how you are feeling, it is a technique that continues the process of neutralizing the threat based neurotransmitters in your system, that starts rewiring and undoing the structural changes to your brain that exist to keep you safe from the 'not as big as your mind is assuming' threats of the outside world. As your mind starts reverting away from its threat averse state if you do not have alexithymia you are going to go through some emotionally hard periods--this is a sign of getting better, your mind deciding that you can handle it (vs need to be numb from it) these states will pass so have a plan in advance how to keep yourself from acting in rash ways in the moments when they have consumed you--you will go running, you will paint ugly pictures with red and black....you will.....have a channel set up in advance.

If you are wondering what a non-depressed version of alexithymia is like, I offer my husband's experience. Over the years I've realized it is really an advantage. We don't actually ever know the source of our emotions, the part of our brain that releases hormones to fit stimuli and physiological needs doesn't provide any information to the part of our minds that we are aware of--we don't know the source of emotions so we make up stories to explain them. We will create huge stories in our minds about why we are stressed out, for instance, we will tell ourselves that we are stressed because this person is disrespecting us, when in reality our brains just had to release an extra dose of cortisol to flip a biological switch for one of our organs. I get sucked into the feeling everything is wrong in my life and everyone is angry at me even though I know for a fact this isn't true--this makes work a lot more challenging than it should be. My husband doesn't have to deal with any of that. He has a tech job so he has the benefit of his company not expecting a lot of 'emotional intelligence' from him. Fact is, my husband is totally OK with not emoting, he views it just as an aspect of who he is, not as a threat or a flaw. He recognizes that his life is better when he is able to collaborate with others so he builds in ways to reduce the impact of not being in emotional harmony with others in the groups he is in. This means adding 'smiles' to emails to visually present that he isn't feeling negative (and avoid the blow-ups he used to accidentally trigger) it means adding smiles to his face when he is looking at me--I know it is a learned technique--but I also know he learned the technique because his brain and body's cognitive/hormonal/neural structure currently loves me and our kids--and even though his love isn't expressed to himself or me through nostalgic mementos and swooning, looping thoughts only about me--it impacts his state of being and makes both his and my life better. I wish you luck and strength as you overcome your depression--once you are out the other side you will find that love is possible--whether it turns out you have alexithymia or not. I wish you well.

I agree with OP on a lot, except for the "feelings" about cuddling and sex, for me it's the opposite. I can understand the desire for sex (physical pleasure) but mot for cuddling (except if the other person will like you better for cuddling, and it benefits you. Otherwise it's just kind of creepy closeness.) And I don't feel random bursts of emotion, except sometimes I "feel" stressed because of PMS (it's more of me acknowledging/realizing what a bad situation I'm it, and experiencing the physical effects of stress. Same thing with anxiety. I have social anxiety, but when I mess up and do something "embarrassing" I don't feel embarrassed, I just "freak out" because I thing that everyone else will think I'm stupid, and that it will affect my status negatively. I can force myself to pretend to have an emotion if I deem it useful, and sometimes I think I might even feel that emotion (or maybe I'v been pretending so long I trick myself into thinking it.) Probably not (so, the latter) because I can stop it immediately if I want.

Also, the description of carol67's husband seems to fit me pretty well too. I use "emotions to my benefit, and prefer not having emotions because I think that it gives me a logical advantage to others, and that I can think much more objectively and without compassion or bias. This also means that sometimes I dislike Alexithymia (well, the effects of it, at least) because my lack of empathy (basically I just use past experiences of people's reactions and explinations to try and determine how someone might be "feeling"/react.) has occasionally resulted in people disliking me (only bad if it has negative results) because I'm "cold."

[test score: 124] Its incredible that i can have so much in common a person. In fact its still hard to believe there are so many other people who struggle with the same s*** i do. I first took the test a few years ago but i never really sat down and thought how it affects my life. I think i might have just brushed it aside trying to pretend like its not a real issue in my life.
When it comes to understanding other people's problems i usually turn to either past interactions with other people or oddly enough TV shows. I compare their body movements and tones with other characters and go into a deep analysis in almost all situations. I also have no problem dropping friends. I'm a military brat so I've constantly move around the world. I find it almost impossible to keep in touch with people just because i simply don't care. I feels more like work and becomes very tiresome very quickly.
I do have one friend (whom i consider to be my first and only best friend) that i constantly keep in touch with. Unfortunately it took me nearly 2 years to realize that we were even that close of friends. I think the only reason why our friendship lasted is entirely his doing. He (ironically) is a very emotional person and reacts completely different in situations. By watching and observing how he acts in situations helped me a great deal with interacting with other people.
When it comes to my family, i have a great deal of trouble "feeling" love for them. I know i do but i just have trouble expressing it to them (if that makes any sense). I recently have moved out of my parent's house and i feel almost no need to contact them. Why would I? They know i love them. Why do i have to update them on all the unimportant details of my life. Its tiresome.
I am currently living with my great uncle and aunt. This is new situation that has been incredible stressful and is actually the reason why I'm here typing this. They are both very emotional people. Or perhaps they are normal and I just didn't know that's how most people are. The same could be said for my friend. Anyway, they are both constantly talking to me about the way I act. They describe me as self orientated and aloof. My great uncle constantly takes my actions personal. Accusing me of ignoring him or dismissing him out of anger (we don't really get along because he's very "old fashion" & VERY religious). But honestly i just don't feel like talking to him regardless of my mood.
I also have no problem interacting with all kinds of people and have always drifted between cliques. Especially through high school. It seems almost 2nd nature to pretend like you care for other people's problems or news. For a long time i thought it was normal. I find myself a lot of the times being confused on why people care about things that play no part in their lives. Whether it be some tragic news report or some person getting a promotion. I often find myself reading off some mental script "thats awful" & "oh thats great news" though i know its empty words.
I get in situations that make me feel uncomfortable ALOT. Whenever someone gets emotional around me my hands start to sweat almost immediately and my heart beats very quickly. I start to freakout thinking "oh no what do i say?" "how can i change the subject?". I have almost an out of body moment where i look at myself and make sure that my body portrays the proper reaction for a situation. I have no idea how to comfort people and I've never felt comfort through someone else.
My memory is also terrible, though i never thought it would be connected to my "aloofness". Maybe it isn't. But i do know that it affects my life a great deal.
I'm not some cold, dead robot. I still can laugh and sometimes my general mood shows sometimes. I know i feel emotions, they're just very blurry. There are times in my life where I have felt deep and real emotions. There's just isn't that many. And its impossible for me to express those moments. On the day-to-day though I'm never really sure how i feel. Though only time i feel clear emotions are when I'm high. Marijuana seems to almost clear up all my emotions. Every time i get high i get these almost emotional epiphanies. My parents recently divorced and i didn't really feel a great amount of sadness. Best way to describe it is i was bummed out. After smoking i felt almost a rush of feelings the were completely overwhelming. I don't know what marijuana does to me but i believe it be truly therapeutic for me. I have also tried cough syrup once which also had a weird effect on my emotions. More so than weed, i felt a burst of overwhelming emotions. Though unlike the weed, when i came down, I came down really fast and felt completely empty. I spent hours trying to bring those same emotions up but i just couldn't. I couldn't even feel sad about it. Comparing how i felt when i was high with when i was sober really made think something was wrong with me.
I almost never get angry. I get irritated or annoyed. And when i do get angry it is ALWAYS at myself. I get a rush of just anger and frustration. I feel the need to hit something or grip something very tightly, which makes me feel childish and dumb. I know when i was younger i had a bad habit of kicking things when i got angry. Luckily a teacher taught me that that was wrong. My first of many social lesson. But these moments of rage last for less than a minute. Afterwards i find it hard to understand why i would feel such a way. It wasn't that serious. I've gotten over much worse.
Honestly i don't know if i'm depressed or not. I guess if i knew i wouldn't have alexithymia. Sometimes i feel like i convince myself i do and i'm just being paranoid about myself. I typically going from being deeply dissatisfied my life to perfectly content. Though i never really go beyond content unless i'm high.
I too have and on/off social anxiety. It all depends on the people and the situation. Sometimes i have no problem talking to strangers. Other times i find it difficult to say anything to them. I can feel the awkwardness in the air and sometimes its overwhelming. To the point where i can't focus on anything but how awkward it is. Though after i get to know someone well enough the anxieties disappear. Sometimes when I'm in any a group, whether it be just two other people or more, i tend to sorta fade into the background. I don't mind it, but sometimes people notice it and misconstrue this with me being shy are having a disinterest with them. I just feel more comfortable.
When it comes to getting to know somebody i tend to profile people. I pay attention to their body movements and their speech patterns. I try to figure out why they do this and the find a reason for everything they do. Maybe its a bad habit that developed because i had to learn how to properly interact with people. Though it has its advantages. I find it easy to understand why someone take certain actions and sometimes even predict how they will react to certain things.
"And I don't know that I actually care. I care, but only because I know I should"[kaynicvau]. It's like you're in my head. I feel almost guilty sometimes when it comes to friends or family on the subject of caring. I really just don't know. But i make the effort because I know i should regardless of the uncertainties.
When it comes to romantic relationships I'm a total mess. I find it hard to distinguish between simple infatuations, liking somebody, and love. They all just feel like one to me. These feeling are also never last long. Sometimes i like someone for a week or two but then lose complete interest. Other times its lasted for long periods of time. In one situation i had "deep" feelings for a girl for nearly a year. She moved away and those feelings completely disappeared. She moves back the year after next and all of a sudden SNAP. Right back into it. After a series of unfortunate events i end up confessing my love her (which was EXTREMELY difficult and took nearly an hour to do). I had never been more confused there than ever. I don't even know why i said it. The moment it left my mouth i know i was full of shit. After a few days later i went right back to feeling nothing. To this day i don't understand why all that happened. Or even if that particular situation has anything to do with alexithymia. I've had other girlfriends, but they never lasted longer than a few months. Sometimes less. And afterwards I always seemed to look back and ask myself why. Why did i even like her? I'd have full list of reasons why i didn't like her. Including things about they're personalities and even looks.
After reading a few more post its seems that giving a shit about what other people think seems to be something a lot of us share. Its really true. People can say all kinds of shit to me and it never fazes me (excluding my father. for some reason he's the only person whose words hold any meaning to me). I'm also quick to defend my friends and family. I think its because i know people are not like me and that those words can be harmful to them. Other people are just very insecure and care a lot about what other people think of them. The only reason i even know this is because of my best friend haha. He's extremely insecure (or at least through my perspective) and it has always puzzled me.
Music has always helped me a lot throughout my life. Music almost expresses or helps identify my blurring feelings . I like to listen sad songs a lot because those emotions are always the hardest ones to decipher.
Oddly enough, when it comes to movies or books, i find it very easy to understand and empathize with characters. Not sure on why that is.
I also find it easy to sympathize with animals and children. Possibly because they're very simple and are typically experience very immediate emotions.
I spend a lot of time pondering my self worth and how much others care for me. I know i have a bad habit of beating my self up a lot. Particularly when i mess up in social situations. I'm also constantly questioning on whether some genuinely cares for me or is being honest. Do they really think of me as a friend? Do they really mean the things they say? Would they care if i just up and disappeared? People are not as honest or blunt as i am and that causes problems for me. I've been called and asshole a lot of times because of this.

can i just say FUCK YES!!!!
i feel i want to get coffee with you and a joint and just discuss this issue.
for the first time i feel like someone understands my detachment and wanting more in life

WOW. Just wow. I am not alone. Usually I just say "thank you" because it benefits me in the long run, but this time, I want to thank all of you guys from the bottom of my dried-up well of emotions. I identified with many of the traits listed above, and would like to add some more. I apologize if I am repeating some.

1) I don't like long-term commitments, nor do I like romantic relationships.
2) Others have to take the first step in a romantic relationship, because while I can think a guy or girl is attractive, I don't care enough.
3) I need a logical reason to feel some semblance of guilt.
4) I read and watch many different genres so I am able to react "appropriately" in any given situation.
5) I can laugh, smile, cry, but either cannot feel what makes me react that way or can feel but forget it moments later.
6) I can induce laughter, smiles, and tears consciously, though it is difficult.
7) I am not "smart", I am "adaptable".
8) I can't really work up the motivation to do most things, because I don't seem to get anything out of it.
9) I judge my emotional state by how others may react, or by what is expected of me.
10) I don't see death as something to be feared.
11) I do dislike pain, which deters me from being too impulsive.
12) That being said, I am impulsive.
13) But mostly, I need a logical reason before doing anything, even if that reason makes no sense to others.
14) I care, because I should.
15) When I don't care, I hide it. Easier than it sounds.
16) I really don't know what to do with my life, because I don't particularly like any one subject.
17) I unconsciously used the words "like", "dislike", "love", "hate", etc. in casual conversion because it helps me blend in.
18) I can't go to anyone with this, because it would cost me my reputation and because people don't know how to react to it. Personal experience.
19) I used to think everyone was like this.
20) I have asked others what certain emotions feel like. None have answered to my satisfaction

This is in no way all of it, as anyone with alexithymia would tell you. But I "love" how the very word "alexithymia" shows up as "misspelled".