My mother
13.01.2014 by LittleMissAngelI've recently come across Alexithymia, and it has helped me understand my mother, who for as long as I've known her has seemed to have no interest in feelings, no empathy, no "inner life" if you like, and difficulty in having a conversation about anything that involves the emotions, or requires an emotional understanding. We have been estranged for periods of my life (I'm 36), and this hasn't really bothered her. In these times she hasn't endeavoured to make contact; it's always me that comes back to her and tries to heal and help along the relationship. What makes her happy is functional things: going to the cinema or gallery or theatre, though even if something affects her she won't explore why.... She does sudoku and crosswords, watches TV. When I was younger, I used to argue with her and get angry, mainly because of her lack of love and parenting. She wasn't one to ever ask how your day was at school, or how you feel about anything. It was like growing up in the desert. Now I try and accept that she's the way she is, and that we can only change ourselves and our responses to people. I always want to be the best person I can be...the most loving and kind...and I have not come here to judge but to understand. It's taken me a long time to understand that perhaps there's something more going on here, because that's just been 'the way she is'.
The most difficult part is that she can be so cold as to be heartless and cruel. When I was a teenager, there were times when she was really manipulative and nasty. She has said some shocking things to me as an adult woman. The periods of trauma in my life that I have come to her for help, she's been unable to be there emotionally, although she does physical things like cook me a meal. I've always longed to be able to talk to her deeply about things that matter - relationships, life - but unless it's about a matter-of-fact subject, she's loses interest.
She had a hard childhood herself. She grew up in the war in Eastern Europe and her mother used to beat her. I know she's had a it tough. Yet I know very little about her early years. She isn't a talker in that way, and has never once begun a conversation about it.
In spite of the difficulties, she's taught me a huge amount - many, many lesson in love, compassion and forgiveness - and she has also been able to be there physically for me. I moved into her flat after trauma and she did what she could by cooking and caring for me that way.
What would really help is any insight into this condition from those who have it, or those who have parents or relations with it.
Thank you!
response to little miss angel about her mother
18.01.2014 by QuietStorm
Wow. It's almost like reading about my own mother. My own mom was very cruel to me when I was a teenager. And into my twenties, actually. I tried numerous times to make a better relationship. Once I even went out on a limb and I asked for a hug. I did not get one. I asked my dad why he married someone that is so mean. He said she was different before her sisters died. They died when I was 3 and 6. One fell down the stairs and one by suicide. I seem to have alexithymia but only as it relates to describing my feelings or knowing what I am feeling. I suck at that. I am very caring and empathetic and can usually tell how others are feeling.
My mom is good at showing her love by doing laundry. And doing things for me and my family. That is her way. I don't know if this has helped or provided any insight. Peace to you.
she tries
01.08.2014 by jadeprincess
as someone who almost certainly has alexithymia, I know how that feels. we try to care, not only because we should, but because we know that our family and friends deserve better than an emotionless robot. to that end, I have adapted and become better at faking. your mothers probably couldn't.
Wondering if my mom has it too
06.03.2015 by DXS
My mom does and says all the "right" things, but they never seemed real. My mom is not capable of empathy, or she never understood me.
I have trouble connecting to my feelings, and I have noticed my mom wants you to think she is a duck when she is really a goose. Neither is better than the other, she just puts on a show. She is never real.
She told me HER mom (grandma) told HER "how to feel" so thusly she turned around and did it to me. She sees nothing wrong with it.
I have always felt it was WRONG. Now I'm stuck with this, I have tried so hard to break from it, but I have to accept that I can't.
Teasing that was more ridicule
06.03.2015 by DXS
Mom would "tease" me all the time and when I protested, she would say, "oh, you gotta put up with teasing."
HER TEASING WAS RIDICULE!
spending time with alex
08.05.2015 by friendofalex
I am expected to vacation with my friends wife who has alex. She is so difficult to talk to. I always feel as though a conversation is more like an interview. I ask her a question, she answers. It is not just me, my husband once traveled with her, alone, and said conversation was like having a child with him. No thoughts in her head that provoked conversation, even when awake she is asleep. She is however a good care-giver and in fact is caring for her grandchild who is a baby and has cared for others too. She cooks and does all the things necessary like a robot. She actually wants to go to events but does not really partake. She goes to group lunches and just eats. We go out as a foursome and she seldom says a word. I have known her for years, spent a lot of time with her, but know absolutely nothing about her. If she does discuss anything about feelings, she merely quotes the bible rather than how she feels about things herself. She does not interpret anything, rather just takes it at face value. I describe her as robot-like, emotionally constipated, personality-less, etc. I know that sounds cruel but I have never spent so much time with someone who gives so little of themselves. I come from a very communicative and expressive background, this is very difficult for me but if my husband and I want to be friends with her husband, it is a package deal... Her husband means the world to me and is my business partner.
