I think my partner has alexithymia
12.01.2014 by Emotional1Hi there,
I'm on this forum as I was searching for answers as to why my partner hurts me so much with his lack of caring, when I'm sure that underneath he loves me.
This lead me to alexithymia.
The thing is, I don't know what to do. I'm a sensitive, emotionally intelligent person and I care very deeply for my partner. I would do anything for him, if only he would SHOW me he cared, in his eyes, in his touch, with words. He barely ever says anything like 'I love you', even though I used to tell him all the time, and he used to say sometimes he loved me and sometimes he didn't.
We've been together for a couple of years, and prior to that tried previously to have a relationship. At present we have a house together, or are sharing one, but his lack of emotional response is making me miserable and I'm thinking about ending it.
I believed (he led me to believe) that his lack of response was related to the difficulties he had in his life. He smokes and drinks constantly and while he is never violent or aggressive, he may as well not live with me - I never see him. He spends his life in 'his' room playing computer games, drinking. He's 34 (nearly 35) and I'm 38. We met when he was 26 and something has pulled us together on many an occasion, but it's never been easy.
What worries me is, how can I have a healthy relationship with someone who doesn't care that much about me, or about my feelings or what I want and need? It's like living with a self-involved teenager who only things about his own needs and has to be told to do the most basic things.
However, after some reading, I'm starting to see that this personality trait is no more his 'fault' than my emotional response is my 'fault'.
I guess the biggest question is - is there any point in having a relationship with someone who has alexithymia? Can they love someone strongly, bond, care for another, put another first, think of what would make their partner happy? Or does their personality not allow for that kind of interaction?
Those of you who have alexithymia will no doubt have been berated many times by people who loved you, asking you for things you didn't understand the point of. I have asked him, 'what could I do that would show you I love you?' For me this is a very simple question. I could list a dozen things easily. For him, he has no answer. And I don't think it matters to him.
I don't know how to make our relationship work, even though I love him very much. I have emotional needs, which he can't meet. Those of you with this trait - have you found any way to make it with a partner who doesn't have it, or do you find it easier to be with people who have the same lack of emotion as yourselves?
My spouse as well
11.02.2014 by carol67
Hey there, I made my way here in a similar path as you--trying to figure out what was going on with my husband. I've joked for years that I handle all of the emotion for the family, and really, it is true. It is clear that his mind simply doesn't endow emotional content on to our experiences and our things--I have to guard the things in the house that I am nostalgic about because he doesn't 'get' nostalgia so things find their way to the trash really easily.
Things are actually working really well for us right now though and what made the switch is that I learned to tell him when he gets into patterns of behavior that make me feel as if I'm distant in his life--and to explain what I need to feel better: I need you to take time to talk to me. I need you to now and then just hug me. I talked to him about it--and he's worked it into his habits and daily routines. Is he just doing it to be nice to me and make this work--almost surely, but it works.
We've now been married 17 years--a lot of people I've met who had really emotional expressive husbands have endured really tough times--the warmth that feels so good when their husbands are feeling good about themselves becomes scorching heat when their husbands go through periods of self doubt/distress. There's really a lot to be said for a husband that is consistent--especially since I am not, in the early years of our marriage I was so frustrated that he wasn't sharing in the spikes of joy, etc. but now I realize it's been a saving grace multiple times to have someone who I can use as a sounding board to try to figure out where reality lies in the context of the emotional turmoil going on inside of me. Is it always perfect? No--fact is, he can't see when he is getting stressed out so four times in our 17 years he's just blown up--but again, 4 times in 17 years. He can't see when he's getting wound up, I can. It's always possible that you and your partner aren't meant to stay together--but I will say that alexithymia isn't a 'deal breaker', I'm deeply happy.
That sounds very positive.
12.02.2014 by Emotional1
I love my partner very much. But recently I asked him to leave. I spoke to him so many times in so many ways about the issues and he just wouldn't change. He eventually admitted he was deliberately punishing me for reacting to his behaviour with anger.
He didn't want to work on it, so he's moving out. Hopefully, next time, I will find someone who, even if they have Alexi, are willing to work with me on the relationship. :-(
That sounds like the right choice
12.02.2014 by carol67
Alexi isn't a deal breaker for anyone willing to take the effort to meet each other in the middle. The emotion leading partner needs to be able to disregard all the tv shows, books and stories that celebrate big expressions of affection and emotion--love definitely exists with or without stacks of love letters and jumbotron proposals; the 'objective reality' partner needs to learn how to periodically focus and do things that create warmth.
Not every relationship is workable that is just the way life is. Good luck to you as life carries you forward--may happiness be around the very next corner.
As someone with Alexi
29.03.2014 by ttme123
As someone with Alexi (though I've never been in anything as serious as a marriage), I just want to say that carol67 is completely right, it's about compromise. To someone with Alexi, doing things that an emotional person may consider important can seem boring and pointless, and depending on when they realized they had Alexi, they might not be very good at coping with a non-Alexi person. For me, personally, I've had plenty of time to work on faking (unfortunately, many people with Alexi have to fake, and it's very difficult to feel love/affection, or at least to feel it as much as others.) So it's important to discuss with them your needs and try to find a way to compromise. Don't bother trying to get them to understand, and be sure to let them know that you are willing to make the effort to adjust to them. For you, losing them could be devastating, but to many people with Alexi it would be upsetting at most. Be willing to accept unemotional and uncaring responses, but also let them know that you don't like that type of response. The person with Alexi has to realize that some pretending is necessary, but it's usually very difficult to get them to bother, as most people with Alexi view things logically and aim to benefit themselves, so are usually considered selfish.
