05.01.2014 by AHPKFZ
Hi everyone, My name is A. I'm 20 years old, and I think I may be dealing with Alexithymia or some other sort of depersonalization disorder. I'd like to share my general experience with what I believe to be this condition, and possibly gain a little insight into how others deal with this.
It's only recently come to my attention that I think I have become more or less emotionless. Historically, I've generally been an over- emotional type of person. Fell in love very easily, was hurt and broken even easier, and I took offense and got "butthurt" very easily. In recent times (past 1 1//2 to 2 years) I've realized more and more that I am generally neutral emotionally. I don't feel the need for close relationships anymore, and I feel a lot more logical when it comes to my interactions with other people. I don't act out of emotion, and it seems that I've lost a large portion of my generally fantastic sense of humor. I can't describe what I'm feeling anymore, and if I do, it's because I know that's what I'm "supposed" to be feeling about that specific situation, according to my experiences with people.
Now in the time leading up to this, I believe a number of factors may have played into this. I'll list two specifics that I am fairly sure could have have had an affect on this.
About two years ago, I had finally been coming to terms with my father's death, which had happened 9 years prior. I was on the edge, considering ending my own life, and looking to confide in a few different friends and a single love interest. I confided in the love interest what was going on in my life, and was basically told to kick rocks. I stopped trying to talk to people about it, and basically sucked it up and just let the emotional pain sit there. A couple months went by, and I no longer really felt the way I did, and since then, I have had a general feeling of moderate contentment, coupled with decreased motivation, and very little gets to me anymore. I do experience moderate amounts of emotion, but as I had seen another user on this site describe it, they are shadows of normal emotions, black and white representations.
Another instance that I'm fairly sure may have affected my mental state is the fact that I grew up under constant harassment from my siblings, both younger than I. I generally felt no reason to personally attack either of them, however they seemed to have a penchant for making me feel like shit. I dealt with it throughout my childhood and teens, and only recently has it stopped bothering me. I can take the harassment, and come out feeling completely indifferent to any personal attack issued by them.
Anyhow, I'm extremely tired and must get to sleep. Just thought I'd throw this out there and see if I can get any sort of feedback. If anyone has any questions, I'd be glad to answer them, and if any other context is required, I'll be glad to provide it. Many thanks!