Topic: I'm somehow okay with this.

Wow, same here, although I scored a low 131 in comparison.

There may be some rambling below, so sorry in advance.

Firstly, I think some of the questions were too non-descript / vague (perhaps that's what they were going for, but I tried to make an intelligent answer). Such as what strange physical feeling during sex questions? I feel strange sometimes but it's more so out of what I like to think of as impatient. Like what do I have to do now to speed this up? :) That's not strange to me, but your mileage may vary. Asking someone who is potentially strange, if they feel strange is like asking a traditional tea kettle if it feels strange to have water in it. In my case both would look at you funny, and one will whistle.

I don't think I want to change who I am at the core. I don't need reform. I want to know "when" it's happening, and "why" I'm reacting to people in a certain way. In other words, I'd like to know how to be truer to myself, with accommodation to others. Not to make light of the situation I have found myself to seemingly be in; Like G.I Joe said, "Knowing is half the battle", and now I know, if this is an accurate assessment. At the very least it's pointing me in the right direction, or at least by having read your post on this forum.

I myself work in the IT industry as a senior in my field. I find it easier to be who I am at work knowing that the decisions I make help orginisations earn money. I suppose that's more of an indirect reason however, and I suppose my real reason would be that people take shit from me because I'm great at my job. I get extremely frustrated when I have to discern what people really mean, and by being in a technical field, I've not really had to guess at what someone means when they say something. I have told people in the office to stop asking me how I am doing. Not everyone does it, so there have been times when people feel singled out ("but, I ask everyone that"), and I tend to tell them that I'm not everyone, so please do not ask me again. If we both had an hour or 30 to sit down, I'd be happy to explain to them (most of the people) how I feel. I tend to think that either it is a gesture of good will, or it's some token effort that they have imbedded in themselves to just ask because "it's the nice thing to do". When people who seemingly have emotions to me ask the same shit I would ask, I get a bit angered over it. The typical "How's it going" and no response thing throws me a bit too. Like what fuck, just say hello! A question to me (rhetorical questions are tricky at times for me), requires / is _asking_ for a bloody answer. These days with all the easy ways to do things in IT, more and more people seem to be giving vague answers of which makes me cranky because I don't want to ask a billion questions every time. Anyway, a bit off topic, so back on topic. I use swear words to get my points across while smiling / laughing or saying it with seeming anger in my voice. That seems to work, and also hints on your use of extremes. I think I've used people more to this effect by allowing them to fine tune their own settings about me (pardon the technical sounding term).

I find it easier to maintain myself in an equal balance of being very terse versus not being terse at all. That way the only thing they have to go on is a swear word ("but Chris does that all the time"), and their own determination of what it would be like for them to say these things all the time. For those that don't know me, or whom I've just met, I slowly bring them to my terms by letting a shit or fuck slip out. They may now know it, but when I feel safe to use other vulgar exclamations around them, and they accept me for that, then I typically start calling them friends of the more intimate type. I do see some people responding negatively, and that's a mental note (those are easy these days) to not say vulgar words / terms around people. I suppose what I'm getting at here, is that I use their feelings to gauge their reactions. I'm sure there are a few related issues I have, but using others to get along in life has worked really well for me. Considering that most people don't take an often needed inward glance at themselves, I don't mind if I use that for my own good, when it doesn't seemingly affect them.

I have often times missed out on jokes because I don't get sarcasm much either. I'm not sure if that's related, but it seems to be at this moment while I'm writing this. I get technical sarcasm quite well though, so I'm assuming it's to do with something similar if not Alexithymia itself. I also go to the gym, and am I biggish guy, so I tend to be able to be me, and more so I think because people tend to see muscles as something to avoid conflict with. I'm a really nice guy in how I directly treat people, I think. I go out of my way at times to worry about others feelings towards myself, if I like them. I'm not sure that's related to this forum though.

What do I do for fun? That's a hard one. Seemingly I like to get out and about in the real world, not in the cities. I bought a jeep (yes, I bought a jeep) wrangler (jk) years back now, and find it relaxing to enjoy nature, and deep mud holes. I also love spending money of which my current job allows me to do. I typically live for now, and tomorrow is never here, so I've tended to get myself into quite a bit of debt all the while earning a healthy income. So while related to Alexithymia, I'm under the impression there may be other factors at work for the lack of over spending. However for fun, I play video games on steam, xbox 360, ps2, ps3, and my pc. I also tend to do what I'm good at (I am good at it because i enjoy it), so working Linux, and programming.

I'm not secretive about me being different. In fact I'm quite open about it, and find it a powerful way to interact with most others. I don't fear humans and their thoughts either.

See the second line of text in this post.


Chris-