Topic: What do I do now? What does this mean?

Hi! this is a rhetorical question, and you don't even have to read it all I'm just ranting.

I've always had trouble understanding my emotions. When I was a kid my mum would explain my emotions to me and try to rationalize them for me. In middle school I didn't really have friends, and then in highschool I had one good friend who I frequently asked questions like "what does it mean to have a crush" etc, followed by an onslaught of friends, followed by self esteem issues and burnout.

In highschool I started doing things to fit in. I read fewer books and did all the things I thought would help me fit in. My mum taught me how to make friends (ask people questions and let them talk, give them compliments, etc.) And I absorbed the personality of this other kid I started talking to. Now I finally had the friends I wanted throughout my childhood. I did all the things my mum taught me and learnt more about social interaction, mirrored the speech and behavior of other kids I met. Soon I started getting paranoid. Every day became a performance and everyone I met a possible critic. This paranoia spread into even my closest relationships. By now people had started dating. All foundation of all the social and emotional scripts I had learnt was torn down and replaced with hormones and teenagers who were feeling and recognizing emotions I couldn't begin to. It didn't help that all my attempts at romance failed horribly. I asked out a guy at random and did everything I was supposed to, then I felt physically revolted and out of control after the first date. I tried this with three guys, it was the same everytime. I figured I might be gay so I tried dating girls but they would expect too much emotionally and I ran away again (twice). [Update I "came out" to people so that also came with it's own trauma, mom was disgusted with me blah blah]. Anyway dating wasn't for me, figures. But I had to date right? People kept telling me I would find someone, they must have a reason. I didn't understand people anymore I didn't know what they wanted, and I had to so they would like me. I couldn't be alone again. I kept pleasing people, obsessing over my own image, what I said, how people perceived me, till I graduated and lockdown happened, and my mental health hit an all time low. I was burnt out emotionally and socially and I cut off all contact with friends and spent most of my time in my room. Slowly I worked on my mental health, I analyzed and analyzed and analyzed myself till I could analyze no more and it got better.

Now I've realised I might be autistic and have alexithmia and have been mking up by masking in social situations. But now that I've come to these realizations I've hit a wall. Where do I go from here? What do I do? Have I become the mask? I started masking so much that it had spread to things I used to like, hobbies and interests. I couldn't do anything anymore but perform. I have lived for other people's approval for so many years. How do I figure out what I want now? How do I stop craving other peoples' approval? How do I stop feeling selfish? How do I stop feeling ashamed for not feeling emotions the way other people do?