18.03.2021 by User78956M82
I scored very high on the Alexithymia test. It's no secret that I don't experience emotions like other people do. The only emotion I can say I can truly identify is anger.
I've been struggling with severe medical issues. The problem is I don't understand how severe they actually are and it turns out this is somewhat related to Alexithymia. I've gone to the ER twice, my general care provider three times, and my gynecologist once. I've had two chest x-rays, a full blood panel, a thyroid test, an ulcer test, a COVID test, and a pelvic ultrasound. Last Thursday I finally had an abdominal ultrasound done and on Tuesday I found out that lesions were found in my liver. I've been suspicious for over a month that I might have cancer. I've been very cautious about not expressing that around friends and family but have mentioned it to my doctor (before the lesions were found). I would be very surprised if this weren't cancer but at the same time I don't experience pain the way other people do. It's as if I can't tell the difference between a normal sensation and a painful sensation. About 5 years ago I punched a cement wall. It took me three days to decide to go to urgent care, at which point I was told that I needed to have the bone put back in place in my knuckle. I just can't tell how severe pain is. And it's frustrating as hell. I can't tell how bad my current symptoms are I just have this vague intuition that something is VERY wrong. I have so many symptoms it's insane.
I joined a liver cancer group and shared my concerns, but the first and only response (from an admin) was that my symptoms didn't fit and I might not belong in the group. I have over 20 symptoms and I only mentioned 5 in the post I wrote because I didn't want to overwhelm people. I coughed up blood today, I have excruciating back pain that's so bad I can't walk more than a few feet at a time, and I've been waking up suffocating infrequently (I'm 28 years old). Her points were that if this were liver cancer, it would have been more than a little blood. I didn't spit it out, it choked me and I had to swallow it because I was driving and worried because I was choking and couldn't keep my eyes open while on the road. I'm so frustrated because this could be really really really bad.... or it could be a mild head cold. For the love of God, why can't I tell the difference. Why can't I tell when my pain is an 8 or a 9 or even a 10. For me it's just, yes I'm in pain. Yesterday I started having problems with being able to read. I've been having increasing difficulties with being able to talk. I want to be able to advocate for myself and the severity of the situation, but I just don't know. Now on top of all the symptoms team tagging me, I'm so angry that I'd be cutting right now if it weren't for my fiancé.
I just want to be believed, but to be honest, I don't even believe myself.
Have any of you gone through a quite severe medical entanglement and just been lost exactly like I am. Not even understanding where the pain is or how bad it is and yet having to go on sick leave and withdraw from school?