05.05.2020 by User96671L56
Hi. I am posting this trying to understand my break-up 10 weeks ago. 15 yrs, never had a real fight, never talked eachother down or have been mean to eachother. But also NEVER talked about feelings, she never gave me a single word on how she ‘felt inside’, and intimacy/sex was a very low priority for her. But I did noe see the break-up coming, I thought she was depressed. At least one fight or talk to warn.
She is successful and smart businesswoman (CFO, very analytical..) but also completely unable to talk about and express emotions or feelings (but laughter and joy not an issue (in good times) ended our relationsship in the most hurtful and immature way. When searching the web for some understanding, I came across Alexithymia and suddenly my last 15 yrs seem to make sense. I would say she fits everything I have read about this. I would very much appreciate your thoughts on my story. My understanding is part of my own process in moving on. I do know it’s for the best, but I am wondering about my last 15 yrs, what's actually been going on.
If described by colleagues and professional relations, they would say she is smart, professional, polite, competent and perhaps charming. Her closest friend is her sister to whom she never has opened up to (according to her sister). By our (my) friends, she would be described much in the same way as from colleagues, kind of a 24/7-professional. She attends parties/gatherings (she has always said socializing makes her tired, that she is an introvert), but always keeps her full control, never drunk, never acts out. She is tall and quite thin, which I do know bothers her alot. A comment on hight or wheight, even ment as a complimet, can – as one of very few things – make her cry og feel extremly sad. Can cry over work trouble, but not over relational issus. I loved her figure, elegant and feminine, as I also told her very often.
Last 3 yrs of our relationship: In june 2017 she asks – and I am thinking now because her sister had become the mother of two and seeing how this had created a bond bwt her sister and (grand)parents (making her sister #1?) - if maybe we should consider a child of our own. She felt, due to us being almost 40 yrs, that assisted pregnancy was the way to go. In Jan 2018 she started working as a CFO at a new workplace. In Mar 18 second attempt of assisted pregnancy w negative outcome, and I can see how she is slowly becoming more distand from me, but I can’t reach through and I can’t get her to talk about what she feels or thinks. BUT: I also see how she seeks and find joy and positive attention in her new job, kind of like a schoolgirl getting the good attention (if that makes sense). After last attempt of assisted pregnancy result in Sep 19, I beg her to talk to me and I say many women seek professional help because of this. She looks at me w sad eyes and just says «no, don’t want any more». I tell her sister about my worries. To make this even more «future-proof» (i know), we bought an insanely expensive apartment (w completion in Dec 21) in May 19. ». Oct/nov 19 is cold and dec19/jan20 is freezing. And I am getting frustrated, sad and angry, but know by now that 'problem-talking' will not happen. I am waiting for a crash or break-down and thinking «then she MUST see a therapist». But no.
FEB 20: she shocks me at the train station with «I don’t think this relationship is working any more». I beg her to talk to me, but she just walks away for a 9 o’clock breakfast w ex-colleagues. She, the smartest, but most closed-up and private "good girl" I know just left me. After work I ask what is going on and she totally murders my character (after 15 yrs, no bad-mouthing, fights or anything (and very little intimacy)). Reason 1: She had told me a few times in 2018 and 2019 that she felt alone. And yes, she did tell me this, the most independant woman I know. And yes, I worked alot, but I never walked away from any of those ‘talks’ ever. On the contrary I asked and tried to tell her about the positives we had coming. But as always, impossible to get additional words (she later said I should’ve quit my job) Reason 2: I made her feel unsuccessful in the relationship. I ask if this is even allowed to say AFTER breaking up. And when disagreeing w her she takes the easy way out saying "okey, then I guess it must be me». And Reason 3: She believed that I would be unable to care for her when and if (yep) she would need it. To sum up: It was my fault that she had to dump me after 15 yrs like this. What about "it's me, not you"? Losing love I can handle, but his was just too heavy. I looked her in the eyes and asked if she had been unfaithful and she said no. 6 brutal weeks later trying to solve the puzzle I found out, first hand, that the most well-behaved/boring girl I have ever known now suddenly was the mistress of her boss who is married for 30 yrs and has two daughters of 13 and 15 yrs