Topic: What is it?

I am new to this platform and I don't know exactly how to work it lol but I feel like I have been struggling with emotions a lot and I wanted to know what I am really experiencing. So if anyone can help me, here you go...

I am a young 16 year old girl, I just turned 16 in February. I am a pentecostal Christian and have found life and purpose in Christ. I play guitar on my worship team and I make friends easily, sometimes, maybe most times? It is not hard for me to befriend a person.

When I was a child, I was very emotional, outgoing and authentic. I am usually described as very talented but I have always had an issue with "negative feelings" like saddness or anger. I had so many anger problems throughout elementary. I experienced so much bullying from it and I even turned into a bully because I wanted to fit in. There is no doubt in my mind that during this time, I had happy moments but I just wanted to die. I would constantly get spanked, get yelled at, get detention, or just plain, get in trouble. All. The. Time.

I was very depressed, until middle school. My mood and mannerisims did a "one-eighty". I was making manny friends and I hardly ever cried. Yet at one certain moment, I remember, I was sitting in my room thinking about random stuff, doing nothing. Just letting my imagination run wild. However, I think I was still depressed as I know most of them were very saddening. Then I realized, looking back on my "happy momments" I never really felt happy, I just expressed it, if you know what I mean. That was my breaking point and I always struggled with that thought.

I began to move during the summer leading into 8th grade and I became very, very depressed to where I was constantly suicidal. I was then given my 3rd time in counseling and it helped a lot, until now. I don't even know where I am. I feel like I am relapsing, only that I recognize my apathy getting worse. I was okay with it for a little because it helped me be more outgoing but now it is taking over. The only emotions I can really recognize are anger, saddness, or maybe even laughter. Only because those emotions ellicit undeniable, physical responses. Sometimes, I might feel a feeling within me, a calming one but one that comes in different emotions or "colors". Sometimes, it will elicit tears, or a smile or even just comfort. Sometimes I can describe it as love or some kind of combination of emotions but overall, it confuses me and others who I try to describe it to. I do struggle with sexual sin and just about anything that can make me "feel" an emotion, which is why most times I let myself be mad or sad or egg it on more. I have come across many similar "diagnosis" like depersonalization or depression but I just don't know what to separate. Like, am I still growing into my personality? I know I am and I know we never stop growing but for my age, as told by many, I am "wiser" than most kids my age. I was told this by adults, even my own counselor.

But nevertheless, I experience physical emotion but I have always had a hard time explaining or not getting frusterated with questions that involve my opinion. Most times, my answers are "I don't know" or "I don't care". Even to extremely sad situations. I have described it before as if they are running through to my face without a trace inside my heart. Like they are in a cage and I don't have the key or I am just detatched from reality. Like I am watching my own body doing things from behind my eyes. I am just very confused and I'd just like some opinions to bring clarity. I have been praying about this and I think the Lord led me to this website for a reason. Thank you for taking your time to read this, if you did, it means a lot.