I was wondering if anyone had experienced alexithymia (as in not feeling anything themselves) but have empathy for others (feeling what they are feeling). This basically describes me. When I am alone I feel nothing. When I am around someone I often can feel what they are feeling. When I am around a group of people, or in a crowd, I feel uneasy but no real empathy. It's mainly just a one on one thing.
Hi mindspore,
actually, I don't know if I have, really or only, Alexithymia. Yet it must be some form of it, or an expression of something else, like SPD. I have feelings, yes, but they are problematic for me. Especially, or even solely, when involving other people!
Also have some 'one person' thing, hard to describe. 'One person focus'.
Well, I know people are feeling sad or well. Compared, often I myself have less feeling. Feelings are there, in general, but on the 'dark' side. It can not be overheard, e.g. in some texts I'm writing...
The feelings I get from empathy are pale shadows of true feelings. It's like a black and white version of them. And for most of my life I never realized that they were not my own feelings, which made life pretty confusing at times.
There have been a very few times in my life when the empathy I was feeling matched the actual feelings my body was reacting to, and those times it was almost overwhelming in intensity. Like the full color version in 3-D. Maybe that's how 'normal' people feel things all of the time, and maybe it's because I have no way to acclimate myself to strong emotions not having them often enough. It's like I've been getting drips of emotion all along, and then someone turns on a fire hose.
It is definitely easier to connect with one person at a time. When there is more than one person involved in any kind of situation I find myself drawing inwards. There's so much human interaction that goes unsaid, posture, gestures, facial cues and such that are difficult to impossible to pick up on. And I am often baffled at how people react to each other (and me, to be honest).
Over the past few months of realizing what was actually going on with me life has gotten much more easy to get through though. Now I know what is causing random strange feelings, and I don't wonder about it anymore. It also gives me insight into the people I am interacting with.
I have noticed that negative emotions are much more 'sticky' (best word I can come up with at the moment). Positive ones from people around me fade very quickly, but negative ones stick around for a while. I've noticed that in my life as well. I remember the bad things much better than the good.
Hi SnowWhite.
And my first instinct after typing that is to ask how you are, even though I personally dislike that question myself, as I'm sure anyone with alexithymia would. I'll just say I hope you are doing well.
Hi mindspore,
don't worry, I forget that one also too often ;)
Best answer would be: I get along! I always did, maybe that is kind of a mechanism to deal with life. I thought about killing myself, now and then. But actually, I never did ... so I will get quite old, I guess (Unless I don't take care and get hit by some car). There is another thing about that, I just don't believe in an 'afterlife', so I have to get going with this one.
How are you then these days, to pass back the question?
Just kidding. I am doing better than almost everyone I know, judging by complaints and problems of those around me. (And family borrowing money.) I have a simple method of not worrying about anything. If I can do something about it, then I do something about it, and there's no need to worry. If I can't do anything about it, then I can't do anything about it and there's no point in worrying. The few things that come along that I don't know if I can do anything about them or not, I just try what I can and hope for the best.
Way back when I was young (I'm 40 now), I didn't see any reason to do anything, and I contemplated suicide. By contemplated, I mean that I thought about the implications of suicide, not that I was thinking of actually doing it. Maybe there is an afterlife and maybe there isn't. The only thing I know for sure is that there is this life. If I just quit it then I'll never know if there is a reason for me to be here. If I stick around I might figure it out. And I'm stubborn.
I have sat with people who were talking about killing themselves and talked them through it. It's hard to give someone a reason to go on when I don't really have one besides an unwillingness to ever give up myself. But most people talking about killing themselves just want someone to care. And this is just a guess, but the feelings driving them to it probably fade some the longer you stall them. I did write a song about it though.
At time of writing this I am unsure if I should write in this topic as it looks like a personal conversation at this point, but regardless I will write a short segment and you can discard or recognize it as you wish.
First off on the idea of empathizing, I would not say I have ever done that. If I am in a group of people I will chuckle, laugh and smile with others. I will seem troubled, disconcerted and perhaps down if that is the general mood I read, or the situation is bad. I have never truly laughed or been sad. So far what I have found myself doing in replacement of empathy is doing a thought experiment: How would I "feel" in their situation, or how would that situation impact me? Following "common sense" and all that jazz I am usually correct in my attempts, thought I have yet to face a truly troubling experience. So essentially it is some sort of make-shift sympathy I muster up.
On the topic of suicide, I have thought about it myself, but never found an adequate reason to risk my existence. Currently, my reason for living is because life is interesting; I see and hear new things all the time, there is so much that I do not know, so much I have not seen, touched, tasted. As much as I have a deep curiosity for what is beyond life, is it simply a continuous dreamless sleep, a form of afterlife, or is your psyche simply "washed clean" and reincarnated? I will find out eventually, but until then I will try my best to sate my curiosity. It is perhaps not the best reason to keep on living, but to each their own I guess.
As I once heard from a philosopher; Once you peer into the philosophical abyss of existentialism, some might lose themselves in a form of emptiness, while others pave through it, by either religious, or personal means.*
( *Probably not accurate, as it is a vague recollection of something the philosopher Alan Watts said. )
The point of posting on the forum is that it is not a private conversation, you are more than welcome to add your thoughts here and I thank you for them Mr. Smith. I personally have no experience writing on forums, and have trouble being brief. I suddenly want to go back and re-write that to make it more concise, but I will restrain myself.
I agree that life is interesting, and I have studied people and their interactions out of interest as much as personal defense (much like the social camouflage you spoke of). And in reference to another post of yours, I have never been bored as best as I can recall. I am not even sure what people mean when they say they are bored. Boredom is one of those interesting but confusing things I see in other people.
I would like to point out that empathizing with someone is not the same thing as sympathizing with them. In fact, I often have no sympathy for what someone is feeling. People often deserve the feelings they have. And since I discovered that I was sometimes feeling it myself when I didn't deserve to, sympathy is a little hard to muster up.
I've noticed that people seem to know when you are empathizing with them somehow. The reverse is probably also true, people probably notice when you aren't empathizing too. There are probably hundreds of non verbal cues that people just naturally pick up on, but my brain doesn't speak that language. I've learned some, through observation and study, but it never comes naturally to me, I have to work it out mentally in each situation.
Not much I can respond with, but on the boredom business: I use dictionary terms for most of my "feelings". When I am bored, there is nothing in particular that I would like to do, so I either find something new to do, or research contemplations, thoughts that sort of stuff. Essentially, when nothing interesting has come to me and I am not motivated to go find it, small make-shift "nuggets" of entertainment is what keeps me busy. This probably has a lot to do with poor time management and disinterest mostly I guess.
I am aware of the difference between the two, and occasionally I re-check the dictionary just to stay safe. In fact I just checked because I was unsure again. Anyhow, on point. Re-reading my post it seems a bit incorrect, unless it came off as: "I have never sympathized with anyone." in which case, you're a better reader than me.
It's probably nice to be able to sympathize with others, as it would indicate a level of involvement or mutual understanding that affirms to social needs and a feeling of belonging or closeness. I have yet to experience that, and I am not sure if I would even like to. Feelings rarely come off as a good thing for me, and empathizing has worked out so far.
If anyone I have empathized with has noticed it, they've not been offended so far. On the cues business, I assume it might be a general interest to anyone trying to avoid attention or fit into society better, but I spent some time reading up on it, and listening to audio recordings. So far I can intuitively take a stab at how people are feeling and be correct, thought I doubt it detects any deep intricacies.
Otherwise according to feedback, eye contact, occasional confirmation and little body movement usually conveys interest in a positive way making the talker want to keep going. Sadly I need the cue for disengaging conversation, yet to find one that wouldn't offend the person.
You pretty much described me exactly in your first post, mindspore. At least you did if I'm getting the meaning from it that you intended.
When I'm alone, I feel nothing really. I don't worry about anything that has happened or stress about deadlines. I'm not really motivated keep active, so I don't ever feel bored. However, if I'm engaged with something, like watching a documentary or talking with a friend, I often get surges of emotions. They're always the appropriate emotions to feel at the time, but they often seem a lot stronger than they should be. Or maybe I'm just not desensitized to them. I tend to actively try to contain my emotions, because the physical responses I feel to them are annoying or embarrass me. I think that, despite feeling apathetic to everything that happens to me, I'm actually quite good at figuring out what others feel. I'm very good at consoling people, and hiding the fact that situations where I have to console people make me rather uncomfortable. Those situations are awkward for me due to the effort I have to put forth to keep my voice from shaking, or to contain the tension in my chest from the emotions building up in my brain. Sometimes even happy conversations are weird for me, since I have to prevent a spontaneous giggle when someone's story or mood suddenly makes me giddy. In large social situations I feel very awkward, but that might have more to do with social anxiety. I can be an active member of a small group, and I even tend lead the conversation and provide the comedic relief. In larger groups, however, I shrink into the shadows.
As far as the suicide sidebar conversation is concerned, I've frequently considered the social repercussions of it. While I don't care how my friends or acquaintances would react, since I doubt it would have much of an effect on them, it would be cruel to my family. As an atheist, I don't foresee devine punishment for it, but I'm not about to drop a bomb like that on my brother or my parents. Even if they weren't around, there are far too many days when I don't see suicide as an option for me to give in to one of the days when I do. That just wouldn't make sense.
as a child i was happy,but then everything just went downhill , my mother had started partying hardcore around age 10 and i was always left at home for days to take care of my younger sister , and others would drop their kids on me to watch as well . people started to go in and out of the house that i was liveing in ,dealing and doing drugs , trying to be sexual with me , and my mother didn't even care if they did or not , i wasn't allowed to go anywhere or do anything , it got so bad at one point that this one girl who was maybe 5 yrs older than me started beating me up when i didn't do what my mother asked or what she asked and then they would laugh about it ,basically i was treated like a slave ,and the few freinds that i managed to have set me up to get me beat up for things i didn't do i never really got to develop as well as i should have ,and when i started to go numb i just didn't care what happened to me and i have no freinds today because im struggling with this. over years and years of betrayal and sadness , i was sick of it so i started to tune all feelings out just to numb the pain , and eventualy i didn't care what was going on , things just happened to me and that was my life , my life did get a little better but i had to and still am dealing with the aftermath of numbing my feelings . i feel like it just keeps getting worse for me , i dont want to do anything , i have trouble finding words to say so i just stay quiet , and i act like people that are around me just to fit it when its neccessary , i belive that i should have never let myself go but at such a young age with no guidance or structure just me and bad times what else could i have done ? i honestly belive that i just need a good support system and finding it has been sooo hard for me because nobody understands ,, they are always like yeah everyone goes thru bad stuff , and im thinking well im not everyone .... i feel like ive been ignored my whole life and now that noone wants anything to do with me i am all alone ....
I am so glad to have found this forum. The hardest part for me is admitting that I feel very little. I have been recently disappointed (again) by failed relationship and that is usu. what it takes to propel toward inner recognition of the fact that I am not participating in my life in a real way.
Finding a support system is challenging for me too, and one main reason is that I feel so awkward sharing my thoughts and lack of self-awareness. I always feel that I am not as good a friend as others are to me, too, and that is really hard. I think it's important though to just accept the help for now, because with a little help we can eventually be "more" of ourselves, which means having the ability to give more.
I want to share with Dusty that my mother also neglected me when I was very young. I have no memories at all of her nurturing me, holding or caressing me, or even taking my side when other kids bullied or made fun. There are just things moms do that help us find emotional healing and feel confident in our own ability to self-soothe. I know that part of that is her own conditioning so I am not trying to blame her for all my problems either. I remember her yelling at me for an hour when I stepped on glass and my foot was bleeding, around age 7 or 8, and I was so ashamed (yet also terrified and needing nurture). That is something I just can't bring myself to forgive her for. I always tried so hard to gain her love, and focused more on her emotional signals than my own. That set me up for masking my own needs, playing a little soldier and more numbing of my own needs, feelings, sensory impressions. When I do break through something in my life, it feels overwhelming yet also thrilling. I want to keep the feelings alive, stay awake, yet find this nearly impossible.
I practice a spiritual contemplation and this helps too, but I feel like I have to work on some of this myself to really make progress.
I also like to think that it is because I am a sensitive soul that I have this condition to begin with.
Has anyone reading this found that therapy helps? If so, what type of therapy do you ascribe to, and how can one find such therapy?
Are there other interventions that can be recommended?
i numbed myself throughout childhood , teens , and now adulthood , and recently ive been stompeded with so much emotion i dont know what to do and no one that is around me will understand ...
I'm brand new to this forum but finding it very interesting, especially mindspore's words higher up this thread about "negative" feelings seeming to stick, to be more memorable. Also When there is more than one person involved in any kind of situation I find myself drawing inwards. There's so much human interaction that goes unsaid, posture, gestures, facial cues and such that are difficult to impossible to pick up on. Amen to that! I just clam up, sooner or later, so I avoid social situations unless they're fairly manageable (sitting down round a table at a restaurant that's not too noisy, for example).
In answer to jellycat's question about therapy: I am about 60% through a planned one-year programme of psychotherapy and it is undoubtedly helpful _for me_, but it can be challenging and painful. I know that my therapist, she's a trainee but very skilled and I think the world of her, struggles with my lack of emotional fluency, if I can put it that way. I can only seem to remember things that make me angry, things that make me sad... and I will digress, and rationalise, and talk about other people, and generally skirt around things. (The therapy is free because it's part of her doctoral training, and everything is tape-recorded.)
I would say that I gain almost as much from keeping a personal journal and have practised that at various times in my life (I am a 50 year old male in the UK). When I look back at old journals (the ones I haven't destroyed - which is a big mistake) I realise that the themes I hear myself exploring in therapy are really much the same... but I have forgotten them again. So keeping my issues at the forefront, and not submerging them, is helpful on the whole. A journal is enduring, whereas like most things even very intense therapy sessions soon fade from the memory, mostly.
Take care.
I had never heard of Alexithymia, started therapy for "depression" and "personal relationships".
From the outset I said that I didn't do "feelings", irritation and contentment were the most I could recognise. (happy, sad, angry, upset didn't happen); It makes CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) meaningless if you cannot describe or recognise any change in "mood" or "feeling".
This IS Alexithymia, some papers from University of Missouri, suggest that early years trauma might be responsible; at age 5, I was hospitalised for 6 months, parents visiting hours 2-4 on a Sunday; (you grow up fast at that age and in that place), I now believe that this has set my scene for the last 60 years.
As Alexithymia is not an illness, I shall live with this personality, but it does help some with the "depression" or Dysthymia to understand it, and to empathise with the rest of you here.
(UK66Male)
Just wanted to say how relieved I am to find this website. I have been called cold, callous, distant, emotionally detached, afraid of intimacy, etc. and I have been so puzzled by these descriptions. It's not like I want to be that way to another human being; I just don't get it!
If it wasn't for my mom--whom I love and trust--to "interpret" situations in my life and fill in the missing pieces of what my behaviors/others behavior mean, I would be very very lost. Three events stand out to me. First, when I was 28, a therapist chastized me for describing my feelings with my hands/body, but not words. I wasn't even aware that I did that. Second, another therapist said "There are four categories of emotions: glad, mad, sad and afraid. Every kindergartner learns that." This made me pause because I had *never* thought about this before. Did I miss something really important in kindergarten? And thirdly, I went to see "A Streetcar Named Desire," with my mom. When my mom asked me how I liked the play so far during intermission, and I said I didn't know, she realized that I couldn't understand the emotions of the characters, which is why the play made no sense to me.
Anyway, I'm 32 now and now that I am somewhat aware of this limitation, I think I am getting better at describing my feelings, but it is a very slow process. i use this cheat-sheet a lot to appeal to my love of organization: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/9/95/Non-Violent_Communication_cheat_sheet.png
Notably, I find that my body has a sensation first, so I talk to someone I trust (usually my mom) and then she interprets my feeling. Then, when I feel that feeling again, I can ask myself: Am I feeling _? Sometimes I don't know, so I google the definition and see if it fits. Most people are baffled by this approach! As an example, i recently cried for two days straight. I couldn't figure out whether it was because I quit smoking 2 months before or maybe something with my hormones. When I talked to my mom, she realized that I had recently seen an ex-boyfriend and that upon seeing him, I must have realized there was no chance of reconciliation and therefore I was heartbroken. Sometimes I feel I just feel everything as it comes and then I need a storyteller or interpreter to make sense of all the little pieces and connect with dots.
Now to circle back to Mindspore's first post: feeling other people's feelings. This is something that has been happening a lot lately, and I have actually withdrawn from most of my relationships because of it, preferring to spend time alone or with "safe/stable" people. When I am with certain people -- mostly men I am starting to date, but not always -- I just feel plain awful! My stomach is in knots, I feel like I am going to throw up, I am very tired, I cry at the drop of a hat, etc. I always think I am being too sensitive. When I am not with them, I feel calm and settled and happy. I feel like I am picking up THEIR emotions of anxiety or nervousness or anger, but I can't figure it out. I don't know whether having "feelings for someone" and being in a "romantic relationship" is supposed to feel awful most of the time, or not. And are these MY feelings or someone else's? I just don't get it. My mom says certain people who make you feel this way are abusive people, which is why I feel terrible, but I don't understand any of it! So. Confusing.
That's all for now. Just wanted to say it's great to know I'm not alone! Sorry for the long post!
I am hoping all of you will welcome me to the forum despite feeling like an intruder. I have a friend that I care about very much but I am considering cutting him loose because most of the time I think he would be much happier without me in his life. At first I thought he was a sociopath, then maybe he had Asperger's but nothing seemed to fit until now. I believe he has Alexithymia. I am the opposite, a totally emotional being to the point were I asked my doctor if a lobotomy was possible. When I am with my friend I push him to the limit because I find his brain fascinating. He responds by pushing me away for weeks on end. He denies doing it and says he likes that I challenge him. His action say otherwise but I can't read him the way I do other people. I am grateful for your posts and am hoping you can help by offering me some insight. I realise the forum is meant for helping each other but maybe helping me to understand him may be cathartic for you too.
My friend has contemplated suicide in the past only because he could not see the point to living, very pragmatic. He does not believe in the afterlife either. He is a beautiful person but I am concerned about his ability to cope in the future because he lost a very significant role model late last year. At present he still asks himself what would my father do but as time passes I am worried he will model his social behaviour on the shallow idiots he works with. I am a much better person for knowing him despite the pain he has caused me over the last four years. I do not want to give up on him unless it is best for him. Please help me to understand.
By the way I may not be alexithymic but I hate it when people ask me how I am unless they mean it. I'm not one for pleasantries either. They don't ask again.
When I say take care to all of you I do mean it.
Jam63
I have just recently discovered this Alexithymia upon a search to find out what is been a problem for me for many years. I have been called aloof, withdrawn, rude, disrespectful, apathetic, sarcastic and condescending. Which I am none... Except maybe the aloof part. I am very honest, blunt, and usually to the point. I do not enjoy chit chat much or discussing feelings.
I have difficulty expressing emotion with the proper tone and expression to convey what I am trying to communicate, so occasionally I upset others. I have been told by my husband and my children that I am hard to read. My husband ( luckily a very patient extroverted sociologist) has helped my realize this shortcoming and often guides me. I upset him frequently with flat affect- he takes it as sarcasm sometimes as well, but we have come a long way and I appreciate his guidance and patience tremendously. I am also an introvert and become over stimulated at times in which I have to retreat to my safe place (garden or craft room) for self therapy.
If your friend tells you he appreciates you and the challenge, then he probably is being truthful. I am sure I have caused pain in those around me as well, although I am oblivious to it unless I am informed of their discomfort. I do not know if any of this is helpful in possibly understanding the distance your friend puts between you. I know that I value my family and the few friends that I do have to keep me feeling like I belong and make me feel normal.
I identify with this so much.
I got a 125 on the test, relatively low for a "high score," I believe.
When I was very young and I was brought near someone who was upset or angry, I would start crying.
I have a strong desire to ease suffering in all lifeforms.
People have always described me as "empathetic, expressive, intuitive, emotionally sensitive"
and I am all these things, just not in a way that helps me communicate with others.
For example: I am empathetic when listening to music, watching a movie or reading a book. I can simply put myself into the author's world. I am an incredibly intuitive person (I'm not bragging, just trying to show how illogical I am as a thinker), and in these modalities I can understand whatever information the author is trying to express. But when I try to explain this to another person, it doesn't make sense. It's like a physical sensation, moving my mind in a certain direction. A sensitivity to emotional data that I cannot understand or control.
On the other hand, if I am in a situation where another person is experiencing emotion in front of me, particularly sadness or anger, I do not know what to do. I feel uncomfortable and will often laugh out of anxiety. I am usually unable to comfort people or be comforted through emotional displays. People, especially my family, call me rude or cruel for withholding the affection they expect.
It is much easier for me to relate socially to children, as their emotions tend to stem from immediate causes and make sense in context (example: a girl at a craft fair I was volunteering at was very withdrawn because her mother was behaving neglectfully. None of my coworkers seemed to notice or care. I helped her with her crafts and it made her happy.) Emotions that have logical causes are easy to temporarily change.
In summary, I believe I have a strong ability to empathize in formats that do not involve adult human communication.
I can empathize with animals, children, and with musical or other artistic expression. Yet "adult" social interaction, forming emotional relationships, has always been fairly foreign.
It's not that I don't have feelings. I have plenty. But the issue is I don't know how to describe them or express them. For e.g. at work, a guy committed suicide about one month after leaving the job. I use to hate this person. I was the first one to know about the news and apparently I was a reliable source. My boss asked me to tell others about this. I was telling this to others with no feeling or expression at all and no words of condolences. I was telling it plain and simple. Some of the other employees felt strange about my manner of conveying them the news. But it's difficult for me to find words at such situations. I am feeling something but I don't know what. So, instead of talking about how I feel, I would simply talk about the details and facts of the incident. There is a slight exception here. I do feel more comfortable expressing my emotions when I am talking one on one. May be it is due to the fact that I don't trust people easily. I will talk to you and observe you for a long time before actually saying something personal or emotional. But it's easier said than done or in our case it's difficult even to say.
I was wondering if anyone had experienced alexithymia (as in not feeling anything themselves) but have empathy for others (feeling what they are feeling). This basically describes me. When I am alone I feel nothing. When I am around someone I often can feel what they are feeling. When I am around a group of people, or in a crowd, I feel uneasy but no real empathy. It's mainly just a one on one thing.
I was wondering if anyone had experienced alexithymia (as in not feeling anything themselves) but have empathy for others (feeling what they are feeling). This basically describes me. When I am alone I feel nothing. When I am around someone I often can feel what they are feeling. When I am around a group of people, or in a crowd, I feel uneasy but no real empathy. It's mainly just a one on one thing.
Definitely, man. I've got no problem discerning other peoples emotions, in fact, myself and a lot of my friends think I'm better at it then most, but while empathy comes easily, I still don't generally care about the persons feelings, lol. There are circumstances where I care, which I won't get into, but other then those reasons, I remain my stoic self.
I am amazed at how well all of you can express yourselves. I have surges of feeling I can't express. I talked to a counselor recently and after I had met him started reacting emotionally. Next time I saw him, I could not speak and didn't know if I was attracted to him because of physical sensations I had. I tried to imagine being intimate and this frightened me, so I thought am I afraid he will hurt me now I have revealed my inner thoughts. I now think it's something else, but I don't know what. I have encountered great unkindness from those around me at times, but long to get along with people. I don't know where I go wrong.
I did once contemplate suicide but thought only that it may be much easier not to continue with this life as it's sometimes so hard to get through each day. If I stay then life continues to be hard, painful work. It seamed to be the rational choice to die and I did not want to. Life is not always like that. I see people I know occasionally to minimize any damage I may do. That way, I keep some friends.
I have only discovered alexithymia recently and am 61. I scored 143 but was unable to answer some questions as I cannot know what others think when they just turn away and say nothing.
I am also amazed with how well everyone here can express how they feel. I am 23 and stumbled upon this while looking at aspergers syndrome.
I always felt that there was something a little off kilter about me, but I've never been able to figure it out. I have always been able to listen to people's problems and guide them to solutions,but when it comes to me, I have absolutely no idea what to do or handle even the simplest situations that require guidance through my emotions.
My boyfriend and i have been together for a year and some change, and a handful of times we have almost had to break it off because he felt like I was selfish, emotionless, unable to understand his thoughts and feelings or make my own decisions without him telling me exactly what to do or say to handle situations with people. But of course, I understand all of his frustrations and concerns and i always want to tell him exactly how I feel about him... but when it comes to it and I try, it comes off cold and rude and I'm at a loss of words to express myself. It gets really hard between us to do anything sexual because I can't figure out my feelings and come across as awkward or uninterested... When really that's the exact opposite of what I want.
I don't know what to do or say to people when they ask me why I act a certain way or have made the decisions that I have. And all that comes out is that they don't understand me or what I'm going through, and that's it.
I've dropped out of college after being 3 classes away from finishing because I can't handle it anymore. I've almost lost my partner numerous times. My mom won't talk to me, and cries every time she does because she things I'm on heroine and that's why I'm distant and distracted (which I am not and never have been).
If anybody has any help on how to manage this,I could use it. I'm so close to losing everyone and everything. And that thought alone just makes it all worse.
Before I even heard of Alexi the most common thing people would comment on is my lack of empathy. Some people even called me a sociopath jokingly but I'm sure it bothered them. It can be troublesome with family relationships because I simply can't empathize with them - I get pulled up by 'not being empathetic enough right now' to which my response is to mentally freeze in confusion, try and almost push against an invisible barrier in my mind, attempting to find what empathy even feels like. Most of the time I'll just fake it and lately I've gotten accurate in that.
Once a classmate was telling me about his hospitalized mother and I literally had no idea what to say or feel. In fact I only remember feeling a growing sense of uncomfortableness and confusion. In panic I patted his leg and smiled in what I hoped was a correct response to which he laughed at me and told me I was being patronizing.
